Superbitch

I like my job but I'm really not in the mood today. I find that when I drift of to sleep fantasizing about winning the lottery every night that it's time for a break. I have vacation days coming to me but no opportunity to take them. Who books these meetings anyway? Such a drag!

Of course, it could just be PMS. Here's a little tip for the boys in terms of PMS: We know we're being bitchy, the difference with PMS is that we just don't care. I know my experience is that PMS can be sort of like a superpower. I'm much more able to be firm and no nonsense when I'm so easily annoyed. Just this morning I pushed back a deadline on a Project Manager known for her DMV-like personality. She fought and whined but ultimately couldn't argue when I coldly said "We're asking for one more day. One day." Earlier, a client was requesting more unnecessary materials for work when they already have more than a person could use in a lifetime. I asked what she has done the the lat enormous (and costly) mound of materials we gave them. I haven't heard back.

Um yeahhhh, I think it's officially PMS.

I'll try to use the power for good and not evil.

(Apologies to Norman. I know this sort of subject matter is disturbing to you but sometimes a girl just has to share.)

One more to hate

11) The lady in the check out line at Trader Joe's this morning.

I walked up to a check out line and watched the woman in front of me run outside to grab one more plant. She already had a couple so I'm not sure why she suddenly needed another. I thought "oh well, I don't mind someone running back for one more item". But then she ran back and grabbed another....and another! Ok...whatever. But then she ran outside AGAIN and all the way out to her car to apparently retrieve her wallet. ASSHOLE! She came running in saying "excuse me". Excuse what, your fool mind? She then swiped her card and it wouldn't go through. Eventually it did but for God's sake woman GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!!! I hope you spend your afterlife in a line behind jackasses like you!

Now, you may wonder why I stayed behind her. Well, part of me was too stunned to move but mostly I kept thinking "Surely, she won't delay this again. She can't possibly run away again." I was wrong.

Ugh! Thanks, I feel better now.

10 things I hate, huh?

Shandon tagged me for this one, so here goes:


10) Narrow mindedness. Do some reading, see a bit of the world, and try to look a situation from as many sides as possible before forming an opinion.

9) Hummers. People, really, in case you haven't noticed we're in a bit of an oil crisis and you're not helping. You're half the reason I'm terrified of getting that tiny European car I should be driving by now. Oh, and how does it feel to be the auto & oil industry's bitch?

8) Beans of any kind. I know they're full of protein, and they're oh so good for me and blah, blah, blah but they just plain stink and make me sick.

7) George Bush. I've given this one a lot of thought and it's official, I hate this twit. Hey Georgie, thanks for bending over for all of your buddies and being the best recruiting TOOL the terrorists could have ever dreamed up. God only knows how long it will take to clean up your mess. (Frankly, Georgie has earned a higher ranking on this list but I thought of him so soon that...well, he gets to sit here and think about what he's done.)

6) Idiots who insist on playing their car radio so loud. Is that some sort of modern day mating call? Are we supposed to be impressed with your bad taste in music?

5) Mean people, or should I say insecure people? I can't stand folks who take pleasure in humiliating others because they have an opportunity.

4) Blackberries. The digital kind not the fruit. It's probably only a matter of time before I'm handed one of my own for work but I promise I will never click away on it during movies or my nephew's baseball games or while at dinner with friends.

3) Cancer. Nuff said.

2) WalMart. I've been boycotting the place for over 10 years now. I can't stand the way they target main street USA and destroy them one by one. I hate the way they won't let millions of employees form a union (Chicken shits. I'm speaking of the Wal Mart executives not those poor employees) or the way they can bankrupt a small company with a single cancelled order without batting an eye.

1) Violence. Get some help.

Wow! You were right Shandon. That's not too hard once you get going. I actually have a few more, but I'll control myself.

Don't forget your rosary.

So, tonight I had a client dinner. My new boss (the one from Germany) hasn't purchased a second car, and his wife had the SUV, so he didn't have one handy. I offered to drive him to the dinner and drop him off afterward. He had been asking about things to do in So Cal. Here is an excerpt of the drive home conversation.

Lucy: So, you know you have to go to the Hollywood Bowl, right? It would be a nice date night with your wife.
Herr Boss: Yes, I'm going in September. Will it be nice then?
Lucy: Oh yeah, it's still toasty in September so it will be really nice. What are you seeing?
Herr Boss: Carmina Burana*.
Lucy: Holy crap! You know that stuff scares the hell out of us Americans right?
Herr Boss: (laugh...thank God!) Yeah, not very romantic either, huh?
Lucy: Um...yeah...good luck with that.


* You know it. Yes you do! You know, it's Damien's theme song...makes you want to rock in a corner and suck your thumb. Not ringing any bells? Well, put it this way, if my brother wasn't married, and I EVER had the opportunity, it's the music I would set his alarm clock to as a joke. (God, it's amazing how much that thought makes me laugh!)

Don't fear the reaper

So, today I received a threatening email chain letter. This one was particularly aggressive. It gave several example of poor souls who had ignored the "forward this or die" demand and , of course, perished within 48 hours. As always, I ignored the threats and the email. A few hours later I received the cursed email AGAIN from another "friend". Here is how I replied:

Lucy: I already got this and I ignored it. If I get run over by a truck tomorrow morning, TWICE, it's all your fault!

"Friend": Just know that you are my friend and that I will care if you get hit by a truck so suck it up and forward to 10 people you slacker!!

I then sent it back to her 10 times. HA!

The Family Spaz

I come from a long line of real spastics but, luckily, we're able to laugh at ourselves. My brother has always been able to make me laugh. I mean he can make me laugh really hard, so hard that I have to scratch the phone so he knows I'm still there because I'm unable to make any other audible sound kind of laugh.

Sometimes he doesn't even have to be around to make me laugh. In fact, it happened again today: My computer was demanding that I set a new password. Whenever I have to do this I think of my spaz brother. He told me that in the movie The Cable Guy, Jim Carrey at one point whispers in a slight lisp "The password is "Nipple". My genius brother decided that was one password he'd never forget so he started using it. Unfortunately, soon after implementing his flawless password plan his computer went on the fritz. He works out of his home so his IT department has to troubleshoot remotely and, of course, he was asked "What's your password?". He was mortified but couldn't resist the urge to imitate Jim Carrey and so replied, in whispered tone "The password is "Nipple". There was apparently an embarrassing pause from the IT guy so my brother felt compelled to explain. He failed miserably and from then on the IT guy thought he was a psycho.

And there you have a quick snapshot of my spaz brother and why he makes me laugh without even trying. Oh, in case you're wondering, that password has long since been retired but feel free to try it if you must.

Descent into Grannyville

So my downward spiral into Grannyville continues. I am now not only cross stitching for hours on end but I've turned off the tv and am now stitching while listening to the radio. Now that's grannyish!! Ok, so technically I'm listening to a bunch of podcasts and shows I've downloaded, which is pretty advanced for the average granny, but still.

I primarily listened to This American Life (the greatest show on radio) over the weekend. I've been listening to TAL for years now but I started a subscription a couple of years ago because I like to burn them to disc for the car. Of course, this habit started before I had an iPod so I don't burn too much anymore. I had fallen way behind in my TAL listening and got to catch up a bit. It's the most relaxed I've been in ages.

I also listened to NPR's book show. I'm sorry but listening the Beverly Cleary talk about Ramona is heaven. I know she's 90 years old but dammit she still rocks. Is that like spending time with a 90-year-old friend? I'm pretty sure it is. Oh no.

I'm trying to embrace the granny within but I'm also in denial about the granny-like behavior. I tell myself "Well, at least I'm an NPR listening , yogurt eating, Trader Joe's shoppin' granny-in- training. I'd hate to be a Fox News believing, Rush Limbaugh lovin' , head in the sand granny. That would suck."

Then again, I did pick up a Dean Martin Essentials CD at Target yesterday. Shit! What does it all mean?!

At least I don't have a rocking chair but that's probably not far off in my future. Now if I only had my own porch to go with it...

Another from the wannabe critic

Tonight I FINALLY saw a show I've been singing along to for the past a couple of years. It's called The Last Five Years and is written by Jason Robert Brown. It's currently playing at The Pasadena Playhouse and I recommend it. If you can't see it on stage then give the cast recording a listen.

Let's see if I can explain this (if not then click here): It's a semi-autobiographical musical featuring two players, Jamie and Kathy, that tells the story of their doomed relationship. The show opens with Kathy lamenting the end of the relationship and moves backwards to the beginning of the story. Meanwhile, Jamie sings from the beginning of the relationship and proceeds chronologically to the end. The storylines intersect once in the middle of the show and end with Kathy singing excitedly about the beginning of her new love while Jamie is closing the door on their love story. It's very well written and one of the most brutally honest shows I've seen. In fact, I believe most adults will recognize at least some aspect of their love life in these songs. It's not all doom and gloom though, "The Last Five Years" also happens to showcase some very clever and funny tunes.

It's not terribly well known on the West Coast but definitely it's worth a listen if you happen to like musical theater.

Give 'em enough rope...

So, we've FINALLY wrapped up our annual budget process. We had our marathon meeting yesterday and I couldn't be happier that its over.

It was four hours of going over 2006 and 2007 business. Ugh! I amused myself by passing notes and watching the dynamics in the room (some things never change). One boss, in particular, likes to take credit for all happenings in her business even though she has two great Managers that do the bulk of the work.

Our head of Finance asked the diva some very pointed questions. She fumbled around but clearly had no intention of letting her Managers chime in... very uncool. I watched the Managers just lean back and watch her squirm each time she couldn't clearly answer a question. It was great! I love that kind of drama!!

In entertainment news: I'm now obsessed with Rescue Me. A friend at work strongly recommended it. I finished watching season one last night. It's very good and I highly recommend it. Not much like it on television. It was yet another show I had initially dismissed because it looked like a "boy show". You would think I'd have learned my lesson after falling in love with Deadwood. Well, I love this show. Check it out some time.

Quote of the day:

I was wasting too much time on iTunes (again) when I came across this incredibly well put quote:

"Dylan wrote lyrics you could trust your trip with." - JB from Widespread Panic

I'm no druggy, and trippin' was never my thing, but if that isn't the best thing ever said about Bob Dylan then I just don't know what is.

You've entered the Twilight Zone

We went to my brother's house this morning. He lives in a small town that might as well be Mayberry. They live a block from the big Fourth of July Parade route so they host a big annual open house breakfast for the big event. It gets bigger each year but I think that's mostly from all the new kids that are born every year. I've lost track of all of their names. Now I just know the ones that came first. Any kid under the age of four is just "buddy" or "sweetie" to me now. Unless of course they're brats, then I call them "sunshine" because I believe kids should be subjected to sarcasm early in life.

The Parade is hilarious because it's mostly the retirement community in shuttles driving by and people pushing their small business and church Vacation Bible Camps. After several "floats" had come by tossing candy to the kids I had a big laugh when the Presbyterian church drove by tossing what appeared to be candy to the crowds. What made it funny was that it took the kids abut 2 seconds to realize they weren't scrambling for candy but in fact little scrolls of Vacation Bible Camp brochures. Boy did that piss them off! I think a heathen may have been born after that dirty trick. The same pushers were dressed in robes and trotting behind the arc of the covenant (who knew it was in So Cal?!) resting atop their "float". I especially loved the dry ice effect because it looked like the arc was gonna blow. It got even better when my Mom leaned over and inquired "The arc is one thing but why is the Presbyterian Church blasting Hava Nagila?". She went on to comment that this years parade was "longer than Jerusalem!" (Did I mention that My mom has a Texas accent? I'm here to tall ya that everything is funnier with a Texas accent.)

It's been a good weekend even if it was broken up by a brief stint at work. I spent about 3 hours yesterday making the cutest damn cupcake you've ever seen but forgot to take a picture to post. I told my sis-in-law that I'd bring cupcakes. She asked if I wouldn't mind making some that she had seen in a magazine. I said "No problem" and felt that way until about 2 hours into the project. They were your basic white in white cupcakes with sprinkles on the edges. On top sat a mini cupcake, edged with different sprinkles and with a "burst" of mini red licorice sprouting from the center. They were spectacular. Unfortunately, kids would be eating them so I couldn't stick a toothpick in the center to hold the things together. I learned the hard way that stacked cupcakes, no matter how adorable, do not travel well. The damn things slid all over each other the whole way to the house and there wasn't a damn thing I could do. I think I arrived sort of annoyed and I'm pretty sure eyes were rolled in my direction but... Whatever.

I'm now sitting in my favorite chair doing my civic duty...I'm enjoying the Twilight Zone marathon. It's cool and quiet and as God, I'm sure, intended. I know the founding father's couldn't foresee The Twilight Zone but I'm pretty sure they would approve of the tradition of sitting on ones ass watching this marathon for hours on end. God bless America!

More From Little Miss

So I was "watching" my niece and nephew swim a while ago. I was surprised as anyone when I heard my self say "No running around the pool! You could trip, fall, hit your head and it would be lights out. NO RUNNING!" After several break out running sprees my niece finally stopped, turned to me and the following exchange was shared:

Little Miss: Let's play a game.
Lucy: Hmm? What game? (Mindlessly flipping though a magazine)
LM: Let's pretend you can't talk. (Said with a stunning smile.)
Lucy: Nice try sister. I can talk and I still say NO RUNNING!

Damn good thing she's cute.

Lesson #2

Continued education from TCM:

How to drive a woman crazy and how to recognize her when she gets there.

- If you wear red lipstick you must be nuts and you will pay for it by flying of Himalayan cliff. And when I say cliff I mean "watch out for that CLIFF!" (Black Narcissus)

- If a woman gets mixed up with the wrong kind of man, she'll want to marry him, but can't have him, so she'll go bonkers. (The Best Of Everything) Oh, and if you don't get married by your mid-twenties you'll end up a bitter old bitty married to your job just like Joan Crawford.

- If you make a woman choose between love and love of her work she will go bonkers and twirl off a overlook onto train tracks (The Red Shoes) I hate when that happens!

- If Burt Lancaster is in town you'll forget all about your crazy-ass marriage and learn all about lust. (From Here to Eternity) Which brings me to an interesting sidebar: Did you know that Burt was widely acknowleged as the best kisser in Hollywood? Well there ya go. Give that some thought next time you're watch ol' Burt go.

- Bad news: If you have an overbearing mother you can count on a nervous breakdown. Good news: You might be a babe under those God-awful eye brows. (Now Voyager)

Best quote from these films: "Don't let's ask for the moon, we have the stars." Now Voyager

Best quote from a documentary: "When I first met Bette Davis I had an erection for three days." (Stardust: The Bette Davis Story)

And speaking of Bette Davis, did you know she was a big slut? I mean a world class tramp. She could teach seminars on how to piss off entire states of women. She slept with EVERYONE'S boyfriend and/or husband. Who knew?! Did I mention I enjoy this about her?

I'm looking forward to another long weekend, people. Who knows what lessons are in my future!

Harrumph!!

Is it just me or are you sometimes startled to hear grown up words fly outta your mouth?

Somewhere along the line I grew up and with that came grown up conversations and even (*shudder*) grown up business conversations. Problem is, I'm a long-time-hard-core-sarcastic-goof- ball so it really throws people off when I sound like scary grown up lady.

Example, today I was annoyed with a vendor and actually said things like "...Because it's best for my business!", "I can't go to finance and tell them we're getting rid of the other guys because you don't like competition.", "I don't want to hear it!" and so on. Sheesh! Who is that freak?!
To make matters worse I actually get worked up over this dumb stuff. I did, however, have to smile when my boss, our Coordinator and a friend all walked by my office door, as I was pretending to be mean old grown up lady, and each of them covered their mouths, pointed and laughed at me. It's very challenging to have to keep up an angry conference call tirade when friends are laughing at you. Harrumph!

In other meetings, I knew I was getting out of hand when above mentioned Coordinator fell under the table laughing because of my Tourette's-like questioning. At one point I apparently said "So does this mean (fill in retailer name here) is dead to you or what?!" Where does this crap come from? I do recall stunned silence from the other end of the call. I got a lot of that today.

I often think about how hard my family and friends would laugh if they could see me at work. Then again, I'd probably laugh at them too.

Strange Days

It's overcast, muggy and oh so hot today. Strange day. One might call this "earthquake weather" but I don't happen to believe in that. Late last night while surfing around online and watching The Quiet Man (which I love but wish I had watched before my trip to Ireland) a bizarre wind storm blew through. I thought it was raining but it was just leaves swirling. I went to the back door to stick my head out to see/feel what was going on in the dark and almost lost my grip on the door because the wind was so strong. It was coincidentally just like that famous scene in The Quiet Man except I was standing in my pjs sans a strapping John Wayne type. *sigh*

Funny how the weather can flavor your day. Got in today and bizarro world continued. Several co-workers were out of town together last week on a business trip and drank too much together. Now that's not so strange but it's not ever a good idea. I've learned to cut out early on work related festivities. I get drunk on one cocktail these days so I have to be very careful. I guess I just never cease to be amazed at what happens between folks on biz trips.

In other news, I recently learned the quiet Assistant on our floor moonlights as a dominatrix. She has house boys who do her cooking and cleaning. Trust me when I say this is literally the last person on earth you would pick as the black latex type, but there she is up on MySpace, proud as can be wearing the God damnedest heels you've ever seen. (I'd include the link here but that's just mean.) And by the way this whole house boy thing sounds sort of appealing but would I have to knock them around? Not thrilled with that idea but I like the cooking and cleaning concept.

So there you have it. People are never who you think they are, we're overdue for an earthquake and John Wayne is still dead. How's your day going?

Pop

So, here's the deal: I love my new laptop but because it's a Mac I can't format the way I can from my PC at work. I really shouldn't be blogging from work but that computer gets the fun options...what a bummer.

For instance, I'd like to tell you about my favorite new present for men. I'd like to do a cute link here but the option isn't available on my cute new Mac. Drats! Instead, you'll have to cut and paste to see for yourself:

http://www.rei.com/online/store/ProductDisplay?productId=47997996&storeId=8000&catalogId=40000008000&langId=-1&color=BLACK&img=/media/651373.jpg&view=large

My brother got a pair for Father's Day and they really crack me up. Unfortunately it's one of those "Damn! Why didn't I think of that?" products. I hate when that happens.

Just thought I'd share. They're bound to be all over the place next summer but for the moment my bro is the hippest Dad on the block.

Sorry for the cutting and pasting but until I can figure out how to quick link you'll have to do a little extra work. Sorry!

Lessons

Before I go on I'd like to point out that I did in fact get "out and about" over my long weekend: I had a great time with a friend on Saturday. Had a wonderful Father's Day BBQ with family that included kicking my nephew's ass in Monopoly. (Is it inappropriate to shout "Take that!" to a seven year old? Despite the humiliating defeat, I'm told I'm still the best aunt in the world even though I'm certainly teaching him to be a terrible winner.) I had a nice lunch with Mom, SIL and niece and even did some shopping. I got some sunglasses for Little Miss because I always laugh when I see small children wearing them. I got little ambitious and wandered into the kitchen to try a couple of new recipes that turned out very well. Yum & yea me!

All in all it was a very nice weekend. That being said, (in other words, "I'm not REALLY a shut in) here are some lessons learned over my long weekend with TCM:

- Paul Newman in CAT ON A HOT TIN ROOF was the all time hottest man...ever! And don't even get me started on 'ol blue eyes in THE LONG HOT SUMMER ...rrrrrowww.

- It sucked to be Clara Bow.

- THE THIN MAN rocks my world. (Why didn't I know about this earlier?!)

- Marlene Dietrich was a true patriot to this country and we could really use a broad like her today.

- MRS. MINIVER makes me cry.

- Louise Brooks was a little loco but I enjoy that about her.

- THE 5,000 FINGERS OF DR. T is also loco and I did not enjoy it so much.

- I was right, Damien from THE OMEN has got nothing on Veda from MILDRED PIERCE.


It's back to work tomorrow (bummer) but the time off was nice while it lasted.

The City Mouse

So, I was doing laundry out in the garage yesterday and saw what I thought was a leaf. Upon closer inspection I discovered it was in fact a thoroughly squashed mouse. Gross!!! Dad must have mowed it over while backing in or out of the garage. The poor little guy was flattened just like I used to see in cartoons.

Later, I looked out over the pool and saw the remains of some sort of snail genocide. There were shells laying about and the remains of... well, I just don't know what. I asked Dad if he'd put poison out or something and he said "Nah, an opossum got hold of them last night".

This morning I woke up and noticed some tiny black balls laying under the roses I cut from the garden. They were hard to miss againt the white tile in the bathroom. Again, I asked Dad about them. I thought they might be insect eggs or something. Dad took one look and said "Nah, that's worm shit". Great. "There's something in there. I don't see it but it's there". (...Gross!)

It's nice to have someone to refer to when you just don't know what's going on in the natural world but sometimes I'm so grossed out by the explanation.

The yard smells nice from the flowers but God knows what else is lurking out there. I've had about enough of nature for one weekend.

What??

I just watched KISS ME DEADLY and all I have to say is... "What the hell?". Granted, I wasn't paying close attention but still... Ummm... Maybe the moral of the story is if we don't stop this silly arms race we're all screwed? Good thing that's not a problem anymo... oooooohhhh...yeah. Well, umm, anyway, it was an intriguing film that I'll have to watch again some time.

Oh yeah, and Cloris Leachman looked nothing like herself but I'm happy to report I'd know that voice anywhere ("Oh, Rhoda!"). That's pretty much where the fun ended for me.

I'm now in serious need of some show tunes, STAT! Thank God (and Tivo) I recorded KISMET. I just love that strapping Robert Keel. He's just the ticket to help me forget all about the end of the days.

Mortified

Went to King King to see Mortified last night. I loved it! Marcia, reading from the journal she wrote as a 14-year-old at sleep way camp, was our favorite. If you have a chance to see this some time you really should make the effort. It's very funny stuff.

The creator of Found Magazine was there reading some of his finds before the show. His segment was good as well. Check out the site and beware...It's addictive.

She's got Peter Lorre Eyes

So I watched The Maltese Falcon last night and really liked it. Shandon was right, it's very funny.

Unfortunately, I was distracted because I happen to know a little family anecdote: When I was born the first thing my Mom said was my name then, when the magic of the moment had faded, she commented that I looked an awful lot like Peter Lorre. The nurses didn't find it funny and threatened to take me away. Mom stopped commenting on it but never stopped giggling and thinking it. I never saw the resemblance until last night. I told Mom that she might have been right. She said "I know! It was all that black hair you had. You looked exactly like him." Well, I don't know if "exactly" is accurate but there are similarities. I like to think I at least looked like a young Peter Lorre not the older man. I also like to think I've outgrown this unfortunate phase.

In defense of Pops

I asked Dad about his environmentally framed way of life and why he still chooses to drive an SUV (the fatal flaw as it's now known).

So here's the deal: He has a unique mix of professional experience and has enjoyed a great post-rat-race career as a consultant. He goes to all sorts of places the average person just drives right by. He is hired to make sure land that it being developed doesn't have any endangered animal or plant habitat that could suffer from said development. He either informs developers how to move forward without damaging the site or tells them they can't move forward according the state laws and codes. Needless to say this can really piss folks off but laws are laws and he's just there to assess the situation. People have actually tried to buy him off but he won't budge.

He's actually quite the environmental hero except for that damned SUV. So why does he drive it? Well, turns out the places he has to survey are well beyond the beaten path and require a high clearance vehicle (or maybe a horse and those are hard to maneuver on side streets and freeways). He drives deep into the sites then hikes much of the way (who knew?!). Apparently one road he has to drive has an abandoned Jeep laying in his path. He'd love a Prius, or even better an all electric car, but they are incapable of taking him where he needs to go.

So there you have it, the irony of being an environmentalist (or Naturalist as Dad prefers), you need transportation up to a point to get near the really sensitive locales. What's a guy to do? I think in the long run Daddio is doing much more than the rest of us to improve things. I mean honestly, how many people do you know who spend their days hiking around California reporting on and protecting her habitats? Probably not many. I happen to know a few 'cause they're in Dad's circle of friends. They tend to be very nice people who, I'm happy to report, car pool whenever possible. Yea Dad!

My new boyfriend TCM

Tivo and TCM, a perfect match! I was out and about much of Saturday and even took the niece and nephew to see Cars (they gave it a thumbs up by the way). Over the weekend I watched a bunch of recorded movies and even caught the Mexico vs. Iran World Cup game. It's sorta fun when it's such a big deal. Well, err, not such a big deal around here but it's the biggest deal everywhere else.

Anyway, I watched Sunset Boulevard, Meet Me In St. Louis, Railroaded!, Random Harvest and Tension throughout the weekend. It was great! How did I fit so many movies in? Well, I didn't sleep much. Tivo and my cute new laptop are taking up a lot of my sleep time. It's been a problem ever since Mermorial Day weekend. I've been up 'til about 1:00 on week nights and 3:00 over the weekend. What's wrong with me?! It's not like I'm sleeping in much either. I'm still getting up around 7:00. Who do I think I am? Do you think this is a result of being almost 40? A younger friend of mine was teasing me and said "Old people don't sleep as much. My Mom is always up!" What a punk!

Between the cross stitch obsession and all the classic film viewing I'm turning into a real spinster. But get this, I'm a spinster with blood pressure of 110/70. Take that!! (I just learned this this morning.) Oh dear, that may have made it worse. Don't most old folks spend time talking about their health? Ok, I'll stop now.

Next up on the viewing schedule: The Maltese Falcon and The Night of the Iguana. I'll let you know how it goes.

Beware the stink eye

I'm a letter-writer. That is, when I have a grievance I can compose a complaint letter/email in about 10 seconds flat. It's been a mostly profitable habit. I typically don't ask for anything but I get coupons and samples none the less. My crowning achievement was getting a $700 check from Honda when I wrote them about a well documented, persistent problem.

Today's recipient of my written wrath is the Democratic Party. Now, I am a pretty hard core liberal so why would I be picking on them you may ask? Well, they're officially stalking me. I hear from them daily by phone, mail and email. When I tried to unsubscribe from their annoying and frequent missives they wanted to know WHY I wanted to ditch them. I was then informed I'd need a soon-to-be-emailed code to unsubscribe. A CODE?! Are they kidding?! I've had an easier time of breaking up with boyfriends! Naturally, I wrote an email outlining my aggravation. I also told them they wouldn't get a hint of a contribution until they dropped me from all of their contact lists. "Believe it or not I've heard of you. I know who you are. I know how to reach you. I'll give a contribution when I'm good ready, until then back off!" I may have referred to the unsubscribe code as "your BULLSHIT code" but I'm not sure. I also told them if they were "this aggressive in getting folks into office we'd be much better off. Instead, you apparently choose to spend all of your time stalking me!"

Brace yourself for the scream heard 'round the world when I get my next email.

Sheesh!

Oh, oh, oh!!!

Now that I'm thinking fo Karma I thought I'd share this fun tool. It takes about 10 minutes to complete. Be honest and enjoy the results.

We had a blast with this about a year ago here at work.

Let me know what you turn out to be. You may be surprised.

If you don't find what you're looking for, always remember, there's something out there for everyone!

What to do?

I went to the gas station after work. There was a ridiculous line but I waited behind a car and got to the pump in about 5 minutes. I saw a lady in a minivan drove around and appeared to be heading for the driveway to exit. Just then a motorcycle pulled into the one empty pump. Apparently, minivan lady wasn't exiting, she was actually backing up to the free pump. She said something about it to motorcycle guy and he completely flipped out! He started shouting "How was I supposed to know BITCH! I thought you were leaving BITCH! Stupid BITCH!! Like you've never taken someone else's spot before you stupid BITCH!!!" I just shook my head and noticed most others at the station doing the same thing.

I normally would have said something but the guy clearly had anger management issues and appeared to be unstable. He was short and thin and wearing a helmet and a leather biking ensemble. I guess it's easy to be a weasely tough guy when nobody can identify you. What an asshole. I hated that I didn't say anything but mostly I wished all of us shaking our heads had surrounded and intimidated him a bit. I believe in karma so I know he won't just get away with being an asshole forever but it would have been nice if we had taken the upper hand and scared the hell out of the guy.

This is also when I realize what jerks Southern Californians can be. This stuff just doesn't happen in other parts of the country. In fact, I normally avoid all human contact while near work or "over the hill". Even a 20 minute drive away from work, people become more civil. I'm not saying this wouldn't happen in my neighborhood but it's far less likely. Los Angeles and all of it's show off-y suburbs breed assholes. It's really a shame but there you have it.

It's the little things

Our new VP has arrived from the German office. He's a very nice man but we've all had trouble reading him. I've finally decided he's breath of fresh air around here. He is impervious to all office drama and politics and is only interested in what's best for the business. Now, this may sound obvious but you'd be amazed at how often the drama clouds judgment around here. I really don't think I've worked with anyone quiet like him. I'm certain he thinks we're all crazy. I tend to agree.

Because of his impervious nature I've been trying to "crack" him for three weeks now. I finally succeeded today in a staff meeting. New VP asked nervous Director a question and nervous Director started rummaging through papers in search of the answer. Finally I said "Oh for God's sake just make something up." New VP took a sip of soda as I said this then promptly blew Diet Coke out of his nose.

I've never been more proud.

The trouble with Noir

I rarely just plop down and give a film my undivided attention unless I'm in a theater. I tend to flip through magazines, (now) cross stitch, pay bills and so on while "watching" a movie at home. The problem with Noir is that it must be truly watched to be properly enjoyed. Upon Norman's recommendation I watched T-Men. I was doing a combination of the above mentioned activities throughout and I missed some great stuff. I caught a great death-by-sauna scene and some cool camera angles but I missed more than I should have. I've decided Noir films should be viewed three times to be appreciated: once as you would normally watch it, once with just the video and once with just the audio. The scripts are deliciously over the top and visually, well there's nothing like them, the three viewing method seems the best way to really get it. The problem is who's got that kind of time? I guess, as always, there are just too many films and too little time.

Here is my favorite line from T-Men:

"Have you ever spent ten nights in a turkish bath waiting for a man?"

The slut of all time

I watched Butterfield 8 last night. I hadn't seen it before but knew Elizabeth Taylor won an Oscar for the performance. Before the film, Robert Osgoode mentioned that Ms. Taylor hated the script but did it to wrap up her contract with MGM so she could go make Cleopatra. When she first screened B8 she is said to have thrown a drink at the screen in disgust (God, just once I'd like to dramatically throw a drink against the wall...) Ms. Taylor thought B8 was "trampy" and cheap ... that may be but it's great stuff!! Her then current husband, Eddie Fisher, is in B8 but we all know what happened to Eddie after Liz met Richard Burton on the set of Cleo.

Here are my favorite lines from Butterfield 8:

A not so considerate husband says to his wife: "On the surface she was all sex and devil may care." (Umm, buddy, you better shut up now.)

...and then possibly the best line of all:
"I'm going out looking for my pride alone, when I find it, if you're still here, I'll come back and we'll see if it still has any value for either of us." SO GREAT!

IMBD calls out another classic: "Mama, face it: I was the slut of all time!" I tried saying this to Mom this morning and she pretended to slap me just like in the film. Once again...ya gotta love Mom.

If you haven't seen B8, check it out. It's not my favorite but Liz looks great and the era IS one of my faves.

Some other great recommendations are on Abnorman's blog.

Enjoy!

A pretty good Sunday

Here is a pic of my second cross stitching project. I thought I started it 10 years ago but I've now figured that it's actually been closer to 15 years. I have no idea why I stopped. It's not such a bad effort, but the floor seems a bit crooked. I blame all that snow. Some jackass must have tracked snow in and warped the floors or something.

I finished it while the watching the kids swim all day. Err, well, I didn't exactly watch them, it's more like I listened to them splash around and shriek. At one point I was trying to get them to pipe down. They hate bugs and were freaking out over a dead bee in the pool. I told them bugs (especially bees) were attracted to loud noises. (Oh come on, you'd have done the same thing if you'd thought of it.) That kept them quiet for a few minutes. Then my niece suggested we play a game where I pretend I've lost my voice. Nice try kid.

This weekend, I've been reading "The Cross Stitcher's Bible" and discovered I've been doing everything wrong. Who knew there was so much technique involved? Ultimately, I decided the book should be titled "The Anal Retentive Cross Stitcher's Bible". I'll try to put some of their advice into practice but sheesh, I can't get too uptight right?

I enjoy it, that's supposed to be all that matters.

Here is a copy of what I'd like to do next. My sister-in-law really likes it so I'll be giving it to her. I think it will look good with an antique red thread on tea stained linen. (God, do I sound like a granny or what?)

I'd like a side of crack with that

I've apparently chosen to take up the most un-hip craft out there. Yes, crafts can be ranked by cool factor. I can confidently report that knitting is currently king. Scrapbooking, beading, quilting and sewing are acceptable crafts but cross stitch is beyond lame if today is any indication.

I decided to fit in a couple of needle work shops between errands today. I walked into the first shop and immediately got a great feeling. About 20 women were sitting at two large tables knitting and doing needle point while loudly jabbering away. At first glance the shop was cute and had lots of great things so I was encouraged. After looking around for a while I couldn't find any cross stitch patterns or supplies. When I asked a clerk for the cross stitching section she disdainfully replied "OH... we don't carry any cross stitch." I am not exaggerating when I tell you she couldn't have looked more disgusted if I'd asked for a penis pattern or heroin. Talk about a buzz kill.

The next stop was a nightmare because I chose the one weekend in the year that main street shuts down for an annoying arts and crafts fair. Oh, and did I mention it was about 95 degrees outside? Well, I parked several blocks away but only had enough change for 35 minutes on the meter. I knew I needed more time but figured I'd stop in for a few minutes and come back some other time. This store had a good amount of cross stitching supplies but when I asked a few questions I was told the owner only had a few "hard core stitchers" and that she stopped stocking lots of items because "it's just not that popular". Oy! I thought I'd left the days of feeling like a dorky loser behind in early childhood. These craft divas are brutal!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not letting the snooty girls get me down. I now plan to scour the web and swap meets for as much cross stitch info as possible. If you see anything out there please let me know. Oh, and whatever you do, don't mention cross stitch in a crafts store.

Touche!

I saw AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH last night and really liked it. After the screening I commented that it made me appreciate my dad more. He's been planting native trees, recycling, miserly with air conditioning and heating, car pooling and so on for as long as I can remember.

Following, is the conversation I repeated to my mom (who is still laughing) after the screening:

Lucy: My dad has been banging that (environmental) drum since I was a kid.
Shandon: What does he drive?
Lucy: Uhh, an SUV.
Norman: ...bang the drum softly.

Touche!

Mama said, Mama said...

When I think of my mom, I usually think of us laughing 'til we cry. My mom is a Special Ed teacher and has spent most of her life being patient, caring and a favorite teacher. When she comes home in the evening she and I often unwind by making incredibly inappropriate and sarcastic remarks at whomever has the misfortune of being on tv.

I realize these are usually you-had-to-be-there moments but here are a few zingers we let fly last night during the Scripps Spelling Bee (most are directed at the poor, little, over-stressed participants):

• "Not so cocky now are you smarty-pants?!"
• "...and representing Future Shut-ins of America..."
• "SURE, home schooled kids aren't' weird!"
• "I'll give the judge $1000 if he can spell that kids name."
• "Media whore!"
• "Oh good, Mr. Personality is back."
• "Somebody shut that kid up!" (Said about the baby that shrieked throughout the competition.)
• "Wow. German words are a bitch."

At one point the television suddenly shut off. We still have no idea what happened and it immediately turned back on but first the tv made a rather loud pop and just went black. My mom is easily startled so this put her over the edge. (We've agreed that she'd be a terrible pioneer and even worse in a fox hole.) The moment it happened, she gasped, "clutched the pearls" (as my dad has dubbed her favorite motion) and slumped back in her chair. She wasn't kidding. It really scared the hell outta her and this is how a drama queen behaves. A drama queens daughter reacts by yelling "Mom's been hit!" , "Grandma down!" and "Don't go into the light!" My poor dad happened to be walking by for this scene. He's used to this and was not alarmed. He's stopped asking what we're doing a long time ago because we're usually laughing too hard to speak.

So there you have a little slice of Life with Mama. I'd love to write more about dear old Mom but she'd kill me if I took her comments completely out of context and reprinted them here. I'll have to control myself. Or maybe I'll just start taking credit for them.

Anyway, have a great weekend everyone!

Where was the OED when I needed it?

If you've never watched the Scripps National Spelling Bee you're really missing some oddly compelling television. It's not something I see coming each year, but once I've found it on ESPN (which I always seem to do) I'm hooked. I know the Spelling Bee has become more popular in recent years with movies, books and musicals popping up all around it but it's well deserved attention. Now, finally, it's made primetime, major network status! Tune in tonight and marvel at these kids in action.

Please be warned: you may end up feeling like an ignoramus, an acknowledgement I try hard to avoid. I comfort myself in knowing I could take on any of these runts in a bar fight. Yea me!

The following might have improved my status as a fool:

• Help
• Mack Daddy of all books (Wait! It's only $248? I'm gettin' it!!!)

Tourettes

Do you ever come so close to saying something inappropriate that you actually blush?

I was walking over to the printer and waved to a friend. Out of the corner of my eye I saw someone sitting on the couch. I looked down and came WAY to close to blurting out "Holy Crap are you cute!" or "Hot Guy in the lobby!". Frankly, both comments went blazing through my head in a terrible jumble.

It's times like this that I thank God that I don't have Tourettes.

Ancient...

Co-worker: I've got to pace myself, gotta save that E-ticket.
Younger Co-worker: ...
Co-worker: ...
Lucy: ...
Lucy: Don't tell me you don't know what an E-ticket is!
Younger Co-worker: You mean like an airline electronic ticket?
Lucy: Oh my God, I'm SO OLD that I never even made that association.

Memorial Day got to me

I finally watched Band of Brothers over the weekend. I really liked it and, naturally, want to read the book now. After discussing it with my mom she told me that I really should read The Fall of the Third Reich. She says she read it years ago but remembers it as a truly remarkable book. I capped off the weekend by watching Baghdad ER last night. It was excellent and did a great job of showing what those folks are going through. As gruesome as it was, I know it was nothing compared to what really goes down in that hospital.

Well, after an entire weekend of American soldier stories I went online to see about writing to a soldier overseas. Now lets be clear, I am NOT a fan of blind patriotism. I believe it's not only our right to question our government but our obligation. No power should be allowed to rule unchecked. That being said, I understand how necessary a patriotic mindset must be when serving in the armed forces.

I found some good sites but can't decide which one is the least political yet most helpful. (This is one time I think politics should be set aside.) I checked out Soldiers Angels, Forgotten Soldiers and Any Soldier. There are ways to send home made blankets, letters, care packages and so on. I'm thinking of sending a care package so I read some of the requests. It seems most are interested in getting clean. There are lots of requests for Purell, soap, shampoo & razors. The women are longing for Bath and Body Works hand and body soaps as well as tan "ouchless" hair ties. They seem to be drinking a lot of bottled water so the individual Crystal Light and Kool-aid packets are big, along with the typical snack foods we're so fond of in the US. CDs, DVDs and games are also desired. I hear that war time is 95% waiting around and 5% panic/hell so I guess that explains their lists.

I'm not sure where I'll send my package but if anyone has any recommendations please let me know. I know nothing about these organizations so any advice is appreciated.

Finally!!

So, after several weeks fighting with my Tivo, it's finally decided to talk to my wireless network! YEAH!! And as if that wasn't happy enough news, my new laptop is also talking to the network. I really thought I was going to lose my mind but I got all of my electronic toys to speak the same language and life is good.

The down side is that due to this recent development, I've been watching tv, clearing off Tivo shows and looking around at stuff online all day today. I was such a shut in that I picked up a 10-year-old cross stitch and started it up again. It's oddly calming and mesmerizing. I've tried hopping on the knitting bandwagon but I'm just not a knitter. I am, apparently, a cross-stitcher. The only problem with this is the disturbing themes fellow cross stitchers seem to be obsessed with. I looked around online for future patterns and found an alarming array of cat, wolf, angel, bear, flag (American...of course) dragon and baby patterns. None of which I can get too excited about. Take a look for yourself: http://www.123stitch.com/cats.html

Seriously, that's freaky right?!

I found a "Subversive Cross Stitch" site that sold patterns for charming sayings such as "Babies Suck" and "Happy Fucking Holidays". Those are a little more angry than I am so I'll stick with the more abstract patterns. I've no idea what I'll do with them when they're finished but I guess that's not really the point. The point is to relax and not become a crazy cat lady with 800 cat theamed cross sticthed pillows.

Yet another reason I love being a grown up

Friend: Diane's got the van pool van today!
Lucy: ...?
Friend: It fits up to 8 people! Wanna go to the bakery for lunch today?!
Lucy: Uh, that would be a big fat YEAH!!!

Seven

Seven things I want to do before I die:

• See the Aurora Borealis
• Visit Europe multiple times and with my parents at least once
• See my niece and nephew grow into their happy adulthood
• Become a published photographer and/or writer (I don't think this blog counts)
• Drive Cross country
• Become proficient at yoga (without really hurting myself)
• Become a home-owner

Seven things I cannot do:

• Fly
• Tolerate the narrow-minded
• Feel sorry for Jeffrey Skilling and Kenneth Lay
• Understand why big-rigs need to be on the road during rush hour
• Respect the Bush Administration
• Ever abandon my Dodgers
• Stop laughing at The Daily Show

Seven things that attract me to a friend:

• Kindness
• Open mindedness
• Humor
• Appreciation of the arts
• A good ol' liberal mind set
• Consideration of others
• A willingness to do dumb stuff with me

Seven things I say most often:

• Quit it! (To my brother)
• Cry me a river! (To many co-workers)
• Will a puppy die? (When people at work are overreacting to a so called crisis)
• Dude!
• Pipe down!
• Seriously...
• You're killin' me!

Seven Monstrosities:

• Genocide
• The current administrations idea of "values"
• Fox "News" Channel
• The attention Paris Hilton gets in this country
• The lack of attention real issues get in American media
• Apathy
• War

Seven things I could do all day:

• Read
• BBQ w/friends & family
• Laugh w/family & friends
• Sit on a beach & stare at the surf
• Surf the net
• Drive up and down the California coast
• Email friends

Happy days are here again

So, the last few days I've been willing myself to have great days and it's worked!! The weather has been beautiful and yesterday's dreaded fire drill was delayed to today.

The first obstacle to my new positive outlook came this morning in the form of an awful traffic jam. I told myself "Maybe your reward for calmly sitting through this traffic will be that you miss that damn fire drill." Sure enough, I was walking towards the elevator bank (20 minutes late) when I caught the eye of our Director of Finance. She sort of knowingly shook her head in my direction as if to say "Don't go up there! You're off the hook." Instead of going up I went to Starbucks for a non-fat hot chocolate where I met half of my floor mates. We then walked to our meeting place. I overheard someone say "Funny how everyone shows up with Starbucks during our emergencies." Somebody was even passing out cookies. It's times like this that make me happy to be a grown up. I don't remember getting hot beverages and cookies during school fire drills.

Ship of fools

A while ago I was duped into being a Floor Leader for emergencies. It basically means go to our "safe place" and take roll during fire drills. We used to only have to walk down 5 floors. Somone long ago decided that was enough to save us from any disaster but post-9/11 conventional wisdom now dictates "get the hell out!". Pre-9/11 we had to walk the floors to make sure everyone one was evacuating before we could leave. I remember doing this at a previous job. (come to think of it, why do I always get this annoying duty?) My boss never wanted to leave but I told him the fine was about $2,500 and I doubted he could expense it. I finally got him to leave when I'd look out his window and point out "if Aaron Spelling can haul his old buns out of our building then so can you hot shot."

Yesterday I got the heads up that today is our first drill requiring us to walk all the way down (that can be 32 floors for some) to the exit. I wore my all-star sneakers today for the occasion. Have you ever walked down 30 floors? I assure you it takes a surprising amount of time and really does a number on your calves.

I should have know this was coming. A few weeks ago some guy in a security uniform popped his head in my door and said "You have to leave, we're having a fire drill." I was, as usual, annoyed because I was in the middle of a fairly important call. I asked why there was "no alarm or flashing lights" and "when did we revert to some guy walking the floors telling us to leave instead of the bells and whistles"? I think I really pissed him off when I said "I've never seen you in my life. How do I know you aren't some freak who's going to rifle through our stuff while we were gone?". I think he thought "Oh great, a diva ...I hope you die bitch!" But seriously, who was that guy? Turns out alarm boy was completely wrong. My friend came running around the corner screaming "False alarm! False alarm!" and alarm boy disappeared. I haven't seen him since. I just know he had his eye on my laptop.

Alarm boy is not the only weirdo secutiry man I've encountered around here. A while ago we had an interesting security man in the lobby. He used to quietly mutter obscenities at certain people as the walked by. He never did it to me but I heard him swear at other much less derserving co-workers. Needless to say this was not comforting to the apparent sworn enemies of this strange man.

I recently saw another young "Security" guard drive a golf cart on the top level of our parking structure. I don't think I've ever seen a happeier soul in all my life. I'm guessing golf cart duty is the coveted assignment for these guys. This kid now seems to be almost exclusively on golf cart duty. He maintians that beaming smile as he drives through the structure all day.

I don't think I'm alone in thinking "We're all doomed" around here.

You're killing me!

A while back, Shandon mentioned a co-workers distress about writing a delicate notice for the ladies room. He didn't know how to tell women to stop flushing everything but the kitchen sink down the toilet. I told her I had seen the all time greatest notice on my first trip to New York. Well , here it is in all it's glory. (Oh, and I should mention that this was in the bathroom of an adorably quaint tea house.)

I love NY!

Love, Room 4

I have access to all sorts of fun kids products. I sometimes take them for granted but often try to place them in the right hands. A couple of years ago I learned that my sister-in-law had a reward box in her classroom of first graders. The kids sit at tables and, needless to say, can get a little fidgety. At the end of each week the kids at the table with the most "good behavior points" get to pick a prize from the reward box. She says this incentive works like a charm. She can get them to behave for months on end with that reward box. I recently gave her a big bag of capsule toys for the box. You know, the ones found in quarter (well now 75 cent - dollar) machines. I had forgotten all about it until yesterday when I received the cutest stack of thank you notes. All included drawings and a brief thank you. Most said things like "Thank you for all the fun stuff. I like the toys a lot. Thank you." My favorite read: "Thank you for the necles (necklace). Can you plez get some more. From Maria".

I've decided Maria has the right idea. I'm just going to start asking for more stuff. "Dear Maria, Thank you for your thank you note it really made my day. Can I have some more? From, Lucy"

Who knew?

Now I can't be certain that this is true but I find it intriguing, so here goes. According to the nice woman leading my parents tour, the Swiss are very concerned about nuclear war and have made some interesting arrangements for just such an occasion. Apparently, all roads and rail lines into Switzerland have dynamite under certain critical portions. If nuclear war hits, they blow up all entry ways so nobody can get in (and it's not like you can land a plane or helicopter on the Alps!). They have hidden bunkers all over the place that only each village knows about. The guide says she went into one once. It look like a typically cute Swiss chalet on the outside and in. She was led to a hidden doorway and shown around the minimal bunker. They are rather barren but have food and supplies to last a long while. I find that fascinating!!

The Swiss will be living high on the hog while we all duke it out. I gotta say I respect that kind of neutrality and paranoia.

Where to?

So, my parents got home from their European trip last night. I offered to pick them up since it was A) Mother's Day and B) a Sunday evening arrival.

In the mean time, I've been eating very well lately and trying to lose a few pounds (what else is new?). I also happen to have a sensitive stomach. My mistake yesterday was having one small slice of pizza at my brother's house. All hell soon broke loose. I was fine while waiting at the airport in the arrivals area. It wasn't until we got to the car that I thought "Uh oh."

Ultimately, we had to pull over and look for a fast food bathroom. (Have I mentioned that my Dad is a bathroom connoisseur? He travels in the car so much that he now knows the best places for bathrooms. Apparently fast food restaurants are your best bet. Gas stations are SO last century.)

Unfortunately our search led us directly to the scariest neighborhood in Compton. Very nice. Mom and Dad get back from their fabulous European adventure and I almost get them killed because of my lactose intolerance. I later learned that all of the So Cal shooters were actually busy with freeway shootings last night so Compton was probably a safer place to be at the time.

Ah, America the Beautiful. Welcome home Mom and Dad.

Late to the party

I realize this may be decades old news for some but I've just discovered Tom Waits' Closing Time and I'm in love. I've always heard great things about it but never took the time to take a listen. I'm especially fond of I Hope That I Don't Fall in Love With You.

The storytelling throughout the album is great but mostly I'm partial to those great Croce chord progressions from the early 70's. I think it's because it reminds me of the father/daughter nights that my dad and I shared when I was a kid. He used to take me to my favorite restaurant Bruno's. We'd sometimes go to a movie...always my pick. Dad apparently never checked the ratings of any of my choices, this is how I saw The Omen, Saturday Night Fever and God knows what else. I'm just glad I hadn't heard of Looking For Mr. Goodbar at that age!

Anyway, Bruno's was the epitome of the 70's bar/restaurant. it was dark and showcased stained redwood paneled walls with lots of hanging plants and (I'm certain) lots of cigarette smoke. I liked the pizza. I can't recall if they had a jukebox (I always liked those too) or if they had a live performer. The bottom line is that Closing Time reminds me of those dinners out with my dad. I'm sure there must have been some mournful singer in the corner singing Jim Croce, Bob Dylan, Randy Newman and Tom Waits tunes at Bruno's.

I had hoped to simply download Closing Time from iTunes but it was a partial album and that just wouldn't do. I was comforted when the kid behind the counter at The Warehouse asked if it was for me or a friend. I said it was for me. He said "It's a great album." They still call them albums?! Thank God some things have survived from my childhood. In fact, now that I think of it, I haven't had a father/daughter dinner in a long time. I think it's time for another, my treat Dad.

Twist and Shout

So, I occasionally create mix CD's for the kids in my life. For instance, when a friend had a pool put in the back yard I made a "Pool Party" mix for her family.

I realize there are bigger issues in the world but I seriously worry about what kids listen to these days. I'm not talking about Rap and obscene lyrics, I'm talking about The Wiggles, Barney and Raffi. It's all genuinely offensive! Think about it, if that's all you had to listen to wouldn't you lose your mind?!

I guess it comes down to not being able to stand how condescending people are to kids. Given the choice a kid will take The Beatles over "Kidz Rock" any day. It's bad enough that their diets are full of processed food does their music have to be processed as well?! Besides, kids like to hear music that their parents listened to as kids and better yet it saves the parents sanity.

Yesterday I went to a birthday party for my friends four-year-old twins. I left behind a "Kids Mix" for my friend. Here is a sampling of the kid-friendly tunes included on yesterday's mix:

Loco-Motion - Grand Funk Railroad
Coconut - Harry Nilsson
Daydream Believer - The Monkees
Crocodile Rock - Elton John
Little Willy -Sweet
Burnin' Love - Elvis Presley
Octopus' Garden - The Beatles
Nothing from Nothing - Billy Preston
Tra La La La La La La - The Banana Splits
Joy to the World - Three Dog Night
Cherry Bomb - John Mellencamp
We Got the Beat - Go-Go's
Whip It - Devo
Blitzkrieg Bop - The Ramones
Love Cats - The Cure
Rock Lobster - B-52's

I encourage everyone to make mix CD's for the kids in your life. They'll be more interesting for it. If there is some not so subtle subtext to certain songs...who cares? I didn't get it as a kid and they won't either.

The nice side effect is that my four-year-old niece does interpretive dance to The Who and my seven-year old nephew sings along to Bitzkrieg Bop at Dodgers games. He's been doing that since he was about four. The crowd loves it!

Yah, you betcha

I just got back from a biz trip to Milwaukee, WI. Now I can't get that accent out of my head.

At one point we needed a box dolly to haul our meeting materials. When we returned it to the receptionist she looked at us and said "Oh yah, ya got a hand caRRt theRRe dontcha. Well just paRRk it aRRound the side theRe. Thanks so much hon." I loved it!

Somebody at one of our meetings said we HAD to try the fried cheese curds. Fried what?! Well, far be it from me to turn up my nose at fried anything, besides we were curious so we tried them (right theRe under the Brett FaRve and Vince LombaRRdi posters. Go Pac!!) They're like fried mozzarella sticks but with cheddar cheese. Yum!

I called my brother from the car this morning and we played dueling accents. I was Milwaukee and he bounced from Boston to Philly. He said one of his favorite conversations overheard at the airport was in Philly. One guy was saying to another "...and how 'bout the poor slob who has to type the letters in for the deaf people on the tv? Talk about a bad job!"

I'm learning to love airports. "MaRRge LungRRen, paRRty of Fi-eve".

Deputy Dog

For the past several weeks there has been some sort of road work going on along my drive to work. Every morning I'm am "greeted" by a rather hostile man in a hard hat and orange vest wielding a stop sign. I've seen these guys around before with no incidence. They are normally quite helpful and I appreciate their work. This one, on the other hand, takes his job way too seriously and frankly wastes my time.

Loser, I also call him Deputy Dog, is clearly a scorned hall monitor. He enjoys the "power" of his job a little too much. He demands that each and every car stops even though opposing traffic is blocked and no heavy machinery seems to be in motion. Nothing is going on but he has that stop sign and he intends to use it whether it's necessary or not. After a few weeks of rolling my eyes at him I lost it. I boldly drove past his stupid little stop sign. I'm no Laura Bush but enough is enough! Deputy Dog has hated me ever since. I keep thinking I'll just take another route to work to avoid the idiot but I keep forgetting. Today he saw me coming and immediately began waving frantically indicating I should back up, I did and drove down another street. Apparently Al Qaeda was seen up the street, that or I've lost driving privileges on my corner.

When my nephew was younger he used to place orange traffic cones around any visiting repairmen. It's cute when you're three, it loses it's charm at 40.

Quote of the day

Another designer just called to ask if we were still meeting with a client. I told him no, a cancellation had been sent this morning. "You're off the hook."

His enthusiastic reply "Word to the mutha-ship!!"

Umm, ok. Is that good?

A day without a traffic headache

Needless to say the immigration issue is a complex one. Having some Mexican heritage of my own, my mother (the parent with no Mexican heritage) asked if I'd be skipping work in support of my "people". That was her big joke all weekend. She also asked my brother if he planned to keep the kids out of school for the boycott. Mom cracks herself up.

As a person who tries to see all sides of an issue I thought :"Well, the Day Without Immigrants boycott will be an interesting one". I don't think many Californias really understand how screwed we are without the immigrant workforce.

That being said, I don't think the protesters planned on traffic being so light today. It normally takes me 40 minutes to get to work. Today it took only 20 minutes. I was so excited but felt a little sorry for the well intentioned protesters out there. I don't think they planned on amazing commutes. It also occured to me that the smaller class sizes in schools today probably won't help their side much either.

The whole thing is such a bummer. We built this sytem up and now it's coming back to kick us all in the ass. I call it the Karma Express. All aboard!

I'm so blue

Why do I torture myself?! I'm desperately hoping to buy a home some time in the next year or so. The good and bad news is that I live in Southern California. It's a great market but not for a first time buyer. A friend of mine recently transferred to Minneapolis and swears I'd love it there. Problem is, my friends and family are here.

Every once in a while I look online for houses in a few areas I might consider moving to. To help illustrate my troubles I've provided links to some homes in my preferred cities.

Take a look for yourself:

Austin, TX
Minneapolis, MN
Los Angeles, CA

I'm screwed.

You know what we want

Last night I had to go to a work dinner. It was with some of my favorite clients so I knew it would be fun but I'd had a huge meal the night before and just wasn't looking forward to another. Even I have my limits! I, of course, ended up having a nice time so on the way home it got me thinking about all the fantastic meals I've had since I got this job. Let's be clear, the best thing about this job is the occasional travel and fantastic food it brings. It's always the first thing anyone worries about when they come to town or when we go somewhere: "Where are we going for dinner?" is the primary concern. (And let's stop for a moment to thank God for that attitude) I'm very fortunate to be able to eat amazing meals I'd never dream of paying for myself. Hooray for expense accounts!

Here are a few of my favorites that I've come to know and love while "on the job":

West Coast-
Appetizer: Tuna Tostada at Katsuya

Main Course: Pretty much anything at Morton's but the Cheese burger was about the best I've ever had.

Side dish: Garlic Noodles at Crustacean (I swear they sprinkle a little crack on these noodles)

Dessert: Butter cake at Mastro's (If I ever make it to Heaven someone will immediately hand me this cake upon arrival. That's how I'll know I'm there.)

Middle America-
Del Frisco's has a lemon cake I'd beat an old lady for.

East Coast-
I'm here to tell you that every single thing I put in my mouth at Philippe was amazing. After a while I stopped asking what everything was and just kept shoveling it in.

I never thought I'd like sushi but once you go Nobu you never go back. I even learned to like Oysters at the Oyster Bar. Now here's the lesson: I have a low "ick" threshold but I've learned that if someone else is paying I'm willing to try about anything and I'm glad I have.

I also highly recommend the famed Frozen Hot Chocolate at Serendipity3 (another crack item I'm sure). A friend and I walked all over Manhattan one day looking for it. When we finally found the place and were asked "What would you ladies like?", my friend looked at the waiter and solemnly said "You know what we want and we're not sharing." Five minutes later he arrived with two GIANT Frozen Hot Chocolates and I haven't been the same since. I found this recipe online but I doubt it's the real deal. Also, they don't claim any illegal substances go into this and that just can't be true. I don't believe anything this delicious can be entirely legal. Did I mention that my friend and I walked all over Manhattan looking for Frozen Hot Chocolate after eating cupcakes at Magnolia Bakery? That's why we walked all over the city that day. I actually managed to lose weight that trip. Who knew this exercise thing really worked?

So there are a few of my faves. My list maybe a bit steak house heavy but so are working meals. Bon Appetite!

Quote of the day:

"Ewww! Did Helen Keller design this?!"

Hurry up!!

I don't know about the rest of the nation but in Los Angeles a turn signal no longer means "Heads up! I'm coming over." It now means "Go ahead and speed up so I can merge in behind you... and make it snappy!" Last night I realized that for some time now, when I change lanes on the freeway, I turn on my signal and say "Hurry up asshole". It works every time. For some reason a stranger pulling in front of us is now considered a personal assault. I'm not sure when this happened but it's a fact of life in LA.

One time, an especially rude driver was having a problem "allowing" me in his lane from an on-ramp. I was eventually able to merge in front of him. The next time we reached an on-ramp I slowed way down and waved about five cars in front of me. I thought this guys head would explode. It was great!!! Of course, this being LA, I immediately took off leaving him in the dust.

Driving has become a competitive sport around here. I can't be sure but my theory is that driving is the great equalizer. It doesn't matter if you run a Fortune 500 company or are starting out at McDonald's, everyone on the road is equal and acts accordingly. Certainly some cars are more expensive than others but it just doesn't matter. In fact, the fancier your car the less considerate I'm likely to be to you. If you were dumb enough to spend $100,000 on a vehicle I know damn well you're going to get out of my way on the road. God forbid that precious car gets hurt. Oh, and when I see you driving that big dumb gas guzzler I don't think "Oooh, he's a real man with lots of money!" (because I'm here to tell you nobody worth their salt thinks that). I think "Oooh, good luck with that debt!".

Smackdown

I saw this and immediately forwarded it to my boss. I told her I considered it a sneak peek at what is bound to happen in one of her staff meetings. We constantly bicker over who will get what segment of our business and this is inevitable: Ouch!



I can't wait!

The agony of defeat

My Dad gave me this beautiful torch lamp for Christmas a couple of years ago.

Well, I moved things around recently and finally cut the warning label off the electrical cord. For some reason I stopped to read it (probably because I was exhausted from moving furniture and cleaning out my dreadful closet). Imagine my delight when I got to the final warning.
I'm sure it's too small to read but allow me to fill you in. After going on and on about the blades being different sizes and warning the user not to force the plug it warns: "Do not attempt to defeat this safety feature."

I'm sorry but the word "defeat" in this context is just damn funny. I enjoyed this so much because I immediately imagined Darth Vader, Saddam Hussein or some other fallen villain as a copy writer somewhere and it just made me laugh. Do you think there is some dictator wannabe out there somewhere writing text for warning labels? While the most obvious explanation is that some poor soul with a weak grasp on the English language was asked to write this, I prefer my tortured villain idea so much more.

It never fails

VIP parking & tickets to the Dodger game: $0 (thanks to a client!)
Dodger Dog, Diet Coke & Peanuts: $14
Getting seated directly in front of a young Sam Kinison wannabe: Priceless

We work with animals

Every morning I get on the elevator and see a few faces I haven't seen in a while. It's a nice 30 second chance to catch up. This morning I ran into a friend I rarely see these days due to a department change. Every time I see her I fondly recall the time she shamefully admitted that she could tell me every woman on our floor who did and did not wash their hands after using the bathroom. Even after I told her how terribly impressed I was she was still a little embarrassed. She wouldn't divulge too much info about anyone (dammit!) but I always appreciated the fact that she took the time to 1) be as mortified as me when she heard someone walk straight from a stall and out the restroom door and 2) she made a mental note to never shake an offenders hand or eat their home baked goods.

Now THAT'S a woman to admire... and I do!!

My new friend Skinny Bitch

So, while driving to work today I got stuck behind an SUV with a license plate holder stating "Just Another Skinny Little Bitch". Now, mercifully, someone had written "not" in the dust on Skinny Bitch's back window. I wondered if the "not" referred to the "Skinny" or "Bitch" portion of the message. Mostly I marveled at the bizarre message being sent out to the world. She's obviously feeling boastful about being a skinny bitch but I don't get it. Why so proud? Is she really that happy about her implied eating disorder and resulting crabby nature? Is it supposed to be somehow endearing? Do you think her parents agree as she drives away? I like to think her Mom bought the plate holder and installed it without telling Skinny Bitch. That thought made me very happy. This is how I improve my morning commute.

My boyfriend Tivo

Tivo, oh Tivo, how can you be so cruel?!

I'm in a big fat fight with my Tivo and Tivo is winning. Anyone who owns this evil device understands how completely freeing yet addictive Master Tivo is. I find I read more because I no longer worry about when Lost or Grey's Anatomy starts. I'm spoiled. So far Tivo and I have been so happy together. How could it all go so wrong?

What's a girl to do you do when out of the blue her Tivo decides to stop pulling his weight in the relationship? I diligently clear out his "Now Showing" box and make sure he doesn't have to waste time recording infomercials. I even turn the other cheek when he makes dreadful viewing suggestions. Why is he suddenly refusing to download new programming?!

I may be forced to set him up with my home computer (that tramp!). ME! I'm the daughter of an Engineer who can usually figure stuff like this out...but I DON'T WANT TO! I will now have to spend my vacation day dealing with my disgruntled boyfriend Tivo. He can be so cold and selfish. I committed to a two year relationship and he's wimping out on me. What will I do?!

Yea me!

I just had my mid-year evaluation. I got nice raise so I'm pretty happy (of course the whole thing is going to my 401k but that's beside the point).

I'm lucky enough to currently have a great boss who gives amazingly gentle constructive criticism. It's all so positive that I barely realize she pushing me to grow and be even more bossy. All in all it was a good touch base. It made me realize that I sometimes get so caught up in the minutiae that I forget all about my real job.

Here is my question: How large a role do you think personality plays in career growth? I get along very well with all of my superiors, do you think that helps when they are deciding on raises and strokes or do you think it's strictly based on job performance? I know I do a good job but do you think the ability to make ones boss spit diet coke out of her nose helps? Just wondering... Also, is it bad to occasionally proclaim "BO-RING!" in the middle of a meeting when things drift off topic? I've seriously done that.

We're a family company and we hate your family

So, I finally took the time to read our guidelines for "Bring Your Kids To Work Day". You should see the rules. It's basically a list of how my company is not liable for anything anyone ever does in the history of time.

The bottom line is that I'm apparently not allowed to bring my niece and nephew because 1) they are not my kids and 2) they are too young. Whatever! I've already asked my brother to bring them by for lunch that day. Besides my boss won't care.

Hmm...now, how can I really cause some trouble? Maybe I'll have the kids run through the halls with scissors or something! Yeah that's it...

Big Whore

I had fun at the races. I won a $25 gift certificate to Macy's. It was perfect. I had planned to stop by the mall to pick up my favorite lipstick anyway. I called my mom earlier in the day because she is always in the know as to which stores are featuring cosmetic gift-with-purchase promotions, or "prizes" as she so optimistically calls them. My lipstick came with a "prize" at Macy's so it was a fortuitous day.

Every time I buy this lipstick I laugh because Heidi once said to me "What's the lipstick you like called? "Big whore" is it?" One day I really must sidle up to a Clinique counter and demand a tube of "Big Whore...and make it snappy!".

Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

Today my work clan is getting together for a "team building" exercise. We're going to the races! I know nothing about betting but we usually do some sort of give-away involving gift certificates. I fared very well at last year event, let's hope my luck holds. And by the way, how much do I love that fact that I'm working with people who regard gambling as a fun way to get to know each other!?

I tend to like the horses with hopeless/ironic names. Pick your own horse name here:

http://www.ultimatehorsesite.com/info/names/generator.html

We leave in about an hour...wish me luck!!

Danger: dipshit crossing

Well, it's official. I'm a dipshit.

While driving to work today I heard a story on NPR about somebody going to jail for sending sexually explicit materials to a miner. I thought, what's the problem? Miners work pretty hard in a dangerous environment, why can't they unwind with a little porn like any other grown up?Only then did it occur to me that the report was about minors. I had a good laugh at my own expense.

Party Central

People have been asking what I'm going to do for my 40th birthday and I've been saying "nothing". Then I started thinking it might be fun to gather all of my friends and family together. I haven't had a reason to do so in decades so I'm thinking why not?

I mentioned the possibility to my brother. I told him some of my ideas and said "and you know, instead of gifts I'll ask for donations to a charity or something."

His incredulous reply: "God, only a chick would do that."

What I thought, but didn't say: "Only a dick would say that."

I love my brother and nobody makes me laugh harder but never has there been a more Republican soul. How did we come from the same parents?

And then a terrible thing happened...then I thought...maybe he's right! Maybe I should cash in baby! The little devil on one shoulder was whispering "Just think of all of those wedding and baby shower gifts you've had to cough up through the years! You must have spent thousands. It's about time they got something for you". Then the little angel on my other shoulder says "What are you talking about you freak? These are your friends. You love them! They'd have showered you with gifts if you'd bother to get married and have kids. God, you're such a bitch! Besides, just think of all the good you could do asking for donations!"

This stuff seriously goes through my mind when I driving to work. There I am, minding my own business then BAM...I'm feeling like a world-class asshole.

As for my little shoulder buddies, they both need to shut up already. Maybe I'll just sit in a corner a rock myself to sleep with a bottle of gin on my b-day.

(God, I can't believe the stuff I'm willing to post here!)

Cute boys in tight pants

The Boys of Summer are back! Today is opening day for Major League Baseball ( http://mlb.mlb.com/NASApp/mlb/mlb/subscriptions/mlbtv.jsp?partnerId=240x60_mlbtv_openingday ) and it's about damn time. I love baseball. I used to hate it with a passion. I considered it beyond boring and frankly wanted to open a vein whenever my family was watching it on tv. Eventually I learned to love it for the following reasons:

• Harry Caray
• Tight pants

Allow me to explain. I've always liked the sound of baseball, you know, off in the background somewhere. I think this comes from hearing Vin Scully ( http://www.radiohof.org/sportscasters/vinscully.html ) on the transistor as a kid. I played in the backyard while my dad did yard work. I'd occasionally get dragged into some variety of child labor, like raking leaves or pulling weeds, but mostly my brother and I played while dad did manual labor. Eventually Vin Scully's voice came to mean sunny weekends and, well, that's always a good thing.

Because I liked the sound of baseball, I started tuning into WGN's Cubs coverage soon after we got the station on our cable line up. I could never figure out if Mr. Caray ( http://www.radiohof.org/sportscasters/harrycaray.html ) was suffering from a stroke of just drunk and tryng to figure this out made for some great television. I now believe it was probably both but mostly he was rather tanked. He would slur his words more and more as the game went on and said some insanely inappropriate things but, God, did I come to love those broadcasts. Harry Caray games became genuine a joy for me. They were almost too much fun. I miss him a lot.

I eventually gave in to the temptation of loving baseball because the following thought finally occurred to me "It's cute boys in tight pants! What's not to love?!" With this I started embracing the Dodgers (National League) and Yankees (American League). A conflict of monumental proportions according to dear old dad. Daddio was a Brooklyn Dodger fan and lived through the glorious day when the Dodgers moved to LA. The man saw Sandy Kofax's perfect game for God's sake. We're talking hard core Dodger fan here. To this day he HATES the Yankees and can't understand how he could have possibly raised a Yankee fan. Like any teenager in love, his disapproval only makes my love deeper.

Last year I finally made it to Yankees Stadium. I don't care how much you hate the Yankees, there is something truly magnificent about that place. A friend managed to get spectacular seats and we enjoyed a great game. They Yanks were down 10 - 0 in the 6th and managed to come back and win something like 21 - 10. I thought I had died and gone to heaven. I, of course, called my dad and screamed "It's too much Daddy! It's just too much!" Even he could appreciate how cool the experience was.

So here's to the Boys of Summer and all the joy and heartbreak they will bring. May the season be kind to my boys.

Pay attention

ENRON, THE SMARTEST GUYS IN THE ROOM has been sitting on my Netflix queue for a long time now. I watched it last night. I finally get it. I've had a vague idea of what went on but never grasped the details. This really should be mandatory viewing/ reading for all Americans, especially if you lived in California between 2000 - 2001. What these a-holes did is outrageous. Californians paid Enron billions. There isn't a circle of hell miserable enough for these jerks.

There are, ironically, some laughs in the film. My favorite came during a taped address Ken Lay gave to Enron employees. Enron stock has been taking a dive for months and Jeffrey Skilling has cashed out and quit. People are getting tense. Ken Lay is standing at a podium taking written questions. Ken reads the following from a written question:

"I would like to know if you are on crack. If so, that would explain a lot. If not, you may want to start because it's going to be a long time before we trust you again".

It was, as a friend use to say, "a $9.00 shot". It's the part of the movie that makes it alone worth the price of admission. For my friend, it usually involves exposed breasts. For me, it involves an a-hole being publicly humiliated right before the fall. Unfortunately, this a-hole took a lot of hardworking people with him.

I can't wait to see how it unfolds for Ken Lay in the next few months. Let's hope the Karma Express makes a special stop for Kenny Boy and his buddies and takes them straight to the life & death they deserve. Am I mad? You better believe it.

Watch this movie, you'll get mad too, but you'll be better for it. We, as a country, must pay attention to the messy details not just the easy to register issues.

WATCH THIS MOVIE! http://www.enronmovie.com/

(stepping off soap box now...)