BO-RING!

Did you know that The World Cup trophy is not actually a cup? Turns out all of those guys are actually fighting for a small gold phallus. Well, to my eyes it really looks like a twisted claw holding up a ball. Either way, it's a disturbing trophy especially when you consider how many of planet's earth's population is currently obsessed with it.

Listen, I can enjoy a big sporting event as much as the next person. I get up early to watch the Men's Finals of Wimbledon. I'm up for a good World Series and I even take in a live Dodger game from time to time. It's all good stuff, but I will never understand the fanatical obsession the rest of the world has with soccer... (I'm sorry, football).

Nonetheless, I decided to give it try yesterday. The match was between England and the US. All I knew was that the US was apparently about to get's it's ass handed to it. I was doing laundry and gearing up for a sleepover with my niece and nephew. A soccer game on in the background seemed like an easy enough task to manage. I quickly discovered that the South African game hosts have unfortunately handed out cheap plastic horns to the spectators. The resulting buzzing sound is close to unbearable. The world turns it's eyes to your World Cup and all we can hear is the sound of African Killer Bees. Well done South Africa!

Any chance I may have had of enjoying the dullest sport on earth died a horrible death about 20 years while on a trip through Great Britain with KAW. I recall another World Cup or some such big deal soccer situation going on back then. More than anything I remember meeting a young couple in the B&B we were staying in at some coastal town. The couple had been camping along on beaches for about 2 weeks when the man finally decided to spring for a room for the night because his team was playing and he wanted non-stop access to a tv. Hey big spender! This was annoying enough but did I mention that his long suffering wife was very pregnant? Yeah, the jerk wouldn't spring for a decent bed to sleep in until his team was on tv. I suppose I should blame her for wanting to pro-create with such a dreadful moron but I'm sure the realization that you're married to a jerk doesn't help when you're seven months pregnant and camping on a frigid beach.

Whenever I think of soccer (I'm sorry, football), and that is seldom, I recall that poor pregnant woman and this bit from the Simpson's. I think it perfectly illustrates how Americans experience soccer:



The Onion is currently featuring this fun interactive map of a soccer field and players further explaining this mind numbingly boring sport.

The Daily Show showed this fun clip perfectly showing the smug attitude England has towards US soccer (I'm sorry... football). Of course it's all made even more hilarious knowing that England only managed to tie the US in it's first game. To which I say:



It may be just me but I really thought this clip from The Colbert Report on the lameness of soccer & BP was hilarious. (I recommend skipping to the 3:00 mark for the soccer portion.)

So far all this World Cup stuff has made for some very funny stuff online and on tv.

So, before you soccer fans get your panties in a twist over this subject matter please understand that while I think AYSO is a great organization for kids, soccer remains painfully boring and most Americans would rather poke their eyes out with chop sticks before having to sit through 3 hours of watching men jog/run over a big field.

Now, how do I explain our obsession with NASCAR, a "Sport" in which people turn left for 4 hours at at time? Well, I can't. We Americans are a complicated group. Now please just leave us out of the this soccer nonsense once and for all.