Last night I sent an email to some of Mom's out of state family letting them know that she was ok. Around 11:00 I received a reply from one of her beloved cousins. He sent an incredibly kind reply telling me about what a wonderful visit they had with Mom and Dad the week before Dad died. It sounds as though he really understood Dad and came to love him in the few hours they had together. I don't even know what happened next, I just lost it. The tremendous loss of Daddy finally came crashing down on me. I thought of that Rolling Stones song Let it Loose (one of my all time faves) and I followed Mick's advice... I REALLY let it loose. The song isn't even about my kind of loss, I think it's really about being in love from afar or some dumb thing. Anyway, I listened to the end of that song "Let it loose, let it all come down. Let it loose let it all come down" and cried and cried and cried for about 45 minutes. I was wondering when that would happen. I knew it was coming, I was just hoping it wouldn't hit me while I was at work. I never cry for more than a few minutes at a time. I just never have it in me. It felt good. I finally dragged myself off to bed at midnight and slept soundly. That's the other thing, all I have to do is cry a single tear and I'm exhausted. This, of course, means I've been sleeping very soundly.
Then, like a freak, a whole playlist of songs ran through my head. Well, mostly titles of songs ran through my head. I came up with a pretty good list but it's not one I could listen to straight through... ever. Not anymore.
I thought of Brandi Carlile's Downpour and how those are words Dad would say to me if he could. Listen if you dare. It kills me but I do find comfort in the words of this gorgeous song.
I thought of Drops of Jupiter by Train. I heard the singer wrote the song after his mother died, I've loved it ever since because I adore the imagery. Buckets of Rain/Dylan, Fix You/Coldplay, Cry Baby/Joplin, Landslide/Fleetwood Mac and on and on flew through my head. 100 Years anyone? All kinds of hell broke loose. My brain turned into a God damned sad FM line up. It was a nightmare. Most of those songs have nothing to do with what I'm feeling but they swirled through my head anyway. Why did my head do that to me?
I was still a little shaky when I woke up this morning, and even considered not going to work, but I figured I have to learn to do this. I forced down the lump in my throat and went to work. I'm glad I did. It's my first full week back. I've been getting things done but a lot of time has gone to seeing people who stop by to check on me. It's so sweet of everyone but it's hard to get much done. I'm guessing it will be more normal next week.
Before Dad died I was looking into starting therapy. My blood pressure is suddenly an issue and three doctors have told me it's entirely work stress related. I work for a company that at least seems to grasp the pressure people are under. About every other month we get an email reminding us that we have 5 free visits to a counselor to deal with whatever issues we may be having. I finally called a couple of months ago. I didn't get a good vibe from the first person I called. The second therapist seemed very nice, very organized and followed up with me right when I needed her. I had my first meeting with her this afternoon. It was just a session to gather my history and to make sure we were both comfortable with each other. We were very comfortable with each and I'll be going back. I have no idea what we'll talk about since I feel as though I've already given her my life history. God knows I'm a talker so I'm sure we'll figure it out.
Until then, I'm still breathing. I'm still just facing this grief and letting it wash over me at every high tide. So far it feels right.
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