Snap, Crackle, Pop

Yesterday, Mom and I saw Ghost Town. It made me laugh and was more poignant than I expected and Ricky Gervais was great. However, it would have been much better had the moron behind us not insisted on repeating every single joke line in the entire film. I've come across a lot of morons in theaters but this woman was truly remarkable. Her volume was incredible and her "insightful" comments, that often followed the repeated laugh lines, were about 30 minutes too late to be even remotely interesting. (Come to think of it, in my entire movie going career I've never heard somebody around me whisper something I hadn't figured out eons earlier. I'm no brainiac but the average movie goer is one dim bulb, let me tell you.) I finally turned around and asked her to keep it down. She did but, naturally, could not stop speaking. She whispered from then on but was still beyond annoying.

As a result, I've decided I want to open a theater chain that is bossy and teaches morons how to be proper movie goers. Theaters are far too polite to patrons. Movie goers are rude inconsiderate imbeciles who don't deserve tact. In my bossy theaters I would disable all electronic devices. By this I mean I'd like them all to become magically powerless and the only way to get them to work again is to leave the theater and walk into the lobby. That would save me the annoyance of seeing a lighthouse worthy beam shine up from the lower seats as some idiot decides to text a friend or check worthless messages. I would also have burly ushers, not those scrawny high school kids, on the sidelines who would rudely shout out at those deserving jackholes "Unless you're a Doctor on call, it can wait asshole!" then snatch the device from their hands.

My favorite idea for my fantasy theater chain is to install voice activated tasers into each seat. I would pay extra to go to a theater that shocked the living hell out of any jackass that uttered a word. That would be better than any movie ever made. I don't mind laughter, so the seats would have to recognize the difference between speaking and laughing but whatever... Details, details.

So there you have one of my little fantasies. Yup, I'm weird. Of course, I also dream of living in a log cabin, in a forest, all alone. Maybe I'm not weird, maybe I'm just a granny who hates the unwashed masses more and more every day.