Brother can you spare an office?

My company has spent a bunch of money to move us to a brand spankin' new location. The move isn't for months but people are already in a panic. Corporate sent out a preemptive email of FAQs and even (believe it or not) a web cam showing the progress of construction. We recently spoke to the head of our division in meetings broken out by smallish groups (I guess they were trying to give these discussions a more intimate feel). Anyway, he proudly showed us the state-of-the-art building, desk spaces, layouts etc and all people cared about was:

1) Will I have to sit in a cube (Odds are yes, but it's a pretty bitchin' cube.)

2) Will I have covered parking? (No, so enjoy watching the big-wig's new black sports car melt in the CA sun.)

3) Will I have easy access to a Starbucks? (Duh! Doesn't everyone these days?)

Funny, a company spends god knows how much money and time on building a better workspace and all the people care about are their $5 problems. Once again, no matter where you are on the corporate ladder you still get shit on.

Sick people

Booker just sent me an article on breast implanted women being banned from space travel. Somehow I doubt this will have any significant effect on the future of the space travel industry. It did, however, bring a question to mind: what happens when these are cremated? Is it like the Fourth of July in there or what?

My mother wants to be cremated. She doesn't have breast implants, she's got so much better. My brother has put dibs on her titanium knee. He wants it for his mantle. We're sick people.

Have I mentioned my mom's oral surgery? She had to go through a year long ordeal to get an implanted tooth. We're talking cadaver bone here. She was, of course, grossed out but the oral surgeon assured her that the tissue is SO processed that it's practically synthetic by the time it gets to her. Well, the big implant day came and as I was walking out the door I told my Mom to look at the Doctor and whisper "I taste dead people." She did. It killed in the prep room.

Turns out most are sick people...

Super Powers

Last night I was slogging through rainy LA traffic. The weirdo in front of me seemed to be suffering from some sort of post traumatic stress disorder involving rear-ending folks. I know this because he was maintaining a strict five car distance between his car and the one in front of him. I, sadly, was behind him. I eventually passed him and tried to sneak a peek at the freak (Ooo, alliteration. I love when that happens!). So, guess what the freaky driver is doing? Go ahead, just guess why he's keeping a ridiculous distance from the lead car? Ready? He's watching a DVD! He staring at the portable DVD player resting next to his steering wheel. Jesus! And I thought I'd seen it all.

A friend once asked me if I could have any super power what would it be. I told her I'd choose the ability to flatten the tires of the jackass drivers I encounter each day on my commute and force them to the side of the road.

She opted for the ability to once and for all remove all unwanted hair on her body.

To each his own.

Dumbass

So, this morning while pulling into a parking lot I pulled in behind a car that was just sitting in the driveway. Just sitting there!!! This woman was SO self absorbed that she pulled in to a primarily empty parking lot and thought the best place to stop and gather her thoughts was the driveway! I gave the "nice" tap honk (even thought she clearly deserved the angry, non-stop, 5 second honk) and she about came out her skin. Are you kidding me?!

I love these people. You know, the ones who stop in doorways in storefronts and stop and stare to get their bearings. And then my all time favorites are the fools who step off an escalator and stop to figure out which direction their next step should be. In their world they don't have to worry about the poor folks piling up behind them. In their world it's all about them and nobody else exists. Fascinating...

Outraged

I AM OUTRAGED!!!!!


I had the misfortune of canceling my Cingular account after the first three days of my billing cycle. I'm now expected to pay the amount for the full month. Can they do this? Can somebody really charge you for services NOT rendered? I'm going to ask the Better Business Bureau. They're like a big brother who will beat you up if you're mean to me. I love them.

I'm just the type of consumer companies hate the most. I'm slightly obsessed with fairness and justice so I have no problem writing corporations and tattling on them when they're being turd-like. I can also stay on hold for ridiculous amounts of time. I have a speaker phone and I'm not afraid to use it.

I told the poor customer service rep that I understood this was not his fault but that I was thrilled I had dumped his lame network. When I explained that my new boy friend, errr...provider, had only a 60 second customer service wait (while Cingular's is about 10 minutes) he replied "Well, ma'am, we get a lot of calls from our customers". I asked if he ever thought that might be the problem. He didn't have much of an answer.

I've broken up with my cellular provider and now it's acting like a scorned lover. And frankly, so am I. I'll have my revenge!!!

How to make the ATM work

Yesterday I saw "Thank You For Smoking". I had to get home for a family dinner but first ran to the restroom. My four-year-old niece ran chased me down and behind the locked door asked where I'd been (I strongly recommend locking the bathroom door when kids are in the house). I told her I'd been to a movie. She asked which movie. I told her "Thank You For Smoking". I could hear the confusion in her voice when she said "Thank You For Smoking?!" as if I were some sort of maniac. How do you explain irony and sarcasm to a four-year old?

Here is an outake from my favorite conversation with her thus far:

Little Miss calls me at work and says:

Where are you?
Me: I'm at work.
LM: What are you doing?
Me: I'm working hard.
LM: (In hushed tone, as if she wouldn't tell a soul) Is it too hard?
Me: No, it's ok. I've got it under control.
LM: Why do you keep doing that?
Me: Doing what?
LM: Working.
Me. To make the ATM work.
LM: Oh. Are you twirling?
Me: What?
LM: You know, twirling. I'm twirling. Bye!!

I wonder what would happen if I started twirling in my next meeting? That's, frankly, how I like to look at kids. I look at their behavior and think "I wonder what would happen if I did that at work?" Try it sometime. No matter how bizarre a kid is acting, try looking at them with that question in mind, it always makes me smile. It also helps prevent child abuse. (I'm of course speaking of those skanky kids you see in Target or at the car wash, not my perfect niece and nephew.)

Ah, youth...

Overheard in the bookstore yesterday:

Teenaged girl #1: I really want to read that DA VINCI CODE.
Teenaged girl #2: Yeah, but I heard it's really hard.

So, I guess Tolstoy is out of the question?

Sharing

I admit it, I'm a Disney shareholder. Don't hate me! I've been boycotting Wal-mart for years so cut me some slack!

Well, anyway, the Annual Shareholders Meeting was in Anaheim this year so I figured I should check it out. It had to be good, right? Following is the email I sent to fellow shareholders, friends & family.

Subject: Shareholders Meeting notes

Gas to get to the meeting - $7
Souvenir Pooh & Friends bracelet -
$2 Diet Coke at the Anaheim Pond - $3
Witnessing CEO, Bob Iger's patience while fielding cringe-inducing questions from the shareholders - Priceless


Following are my favorite questions from the meeting:

• 
  "Why do you still allow smoking in your films?" (Disney films do not feature smoking. Other Disney studios do, depending upon subject matter. Good Night and Good Luck was given as an example. )
• 
  "Why haven't we re-released Song of the South?" (Oh, I don't know. Something about jovial singing slaves just rubs some people the wrong way.)
• 
  "Why can't we bring cameras into this meeting?" (Because they just showed you top secret intellectual property in the form of Pixar trailers you idiot.)
• 
  "If compliance is an issue, why don't you just buy a factory in China and make everything there?" (Compliance (child labor etc) is not an issue but if it were they'd need one helluva factory to handle all of the Disney merchandise produced for the world. Sit down and shut up!)
• 
  "If compliance is an issue, why don't we just make everything in the US?" (Seriously? This is a shareholders meeting. We want to make a profit right? Have you any idea how much a Mickey Mouse watch would cost if produced in the states? Why not just suggest Disney file for non-profit status while you're at it?)
• 
  "Is it true that you're removing the "C-A-L-I-F-O-R-N-I-A" and the Golden State Bridge from the entrance of California Adventure?" (Wow, this is critical question brianiac. Our profits will really be impacted by that one.)

And, drum roll please... My #1 favorite question of the day:

• 
  "The park is darker than it used to be, especially around the Matterhorn. There used to be little twinkle lights in the tress over there. Well, my wife is confined to a scooter and has almost tipped over a couple of times in the dark. Can you improve the lighting please?" (Seriously? You've got the ear of a Fortune 500 CEO and you're telling him about your wife tipping over in her scooter? First of all, your wife has bigger issues than tipping over and secondly, we all know you're here to lay down groundwork for your lawsuit. The folks at Disneyland can't wait to catch you on tape pushing your wife over in the dark. Please go home now.)

Oy!

Will I be going to the next shareholders meeting? Of course! The Q&A portion of the meeting is a train wreck. You just can't look away! I highly recommend the experience to all.

Digger

Is it mean to laugh at a good friend when they describe the enormous digger they took in the Macy's parking lot this afternoon? I adore this person but could not stop laughing as she described hooking her heel in her pant cuff and lurching forward into primo biff position. She ate it so badly that her Blackberry and purse went flying. She was ok but damn was it funny. I asked if anyone had seen her (because, of course, the first thing you do is look around for witnesses). She said some lady drove by and rolled down her window to ask how she was. Mortified!!!

I think I laugh because it makes me think of all the spills I've taken over the years. To date, the all time winner is my spectacular dive down the Scarlett O'Hara stairs at the movie theater. How I avoided breaking a bone is beyond me. I guess all of those calcium pills really help.

Which reminds me of our "bullet proof dog". We had a small terrier who, we discovered late in life, had been stealing Tums off my dad's nightstand for years. We had to take him to the vet one day and the guy kept asking "How old did you say this dog was?". We explained that he was about 13 years old. He showed us the x-ray and told us our pup had the bones of a 2 year old dog. Finally, we remembered the dog's Tums habit and explained it to the vet. I've been taking calcium ever since.

Enough rambling for today...

To all the men I've loved before

So, I'm sick as a dog today. When I feel this bad just get me an In Style magazine, a bad Hallmark Channel movie and tuck me in for the weekend.

Today's very special Hallmark offering was titled "Straight From the Heart" and boy was it! It caught my attention because a) it was on Hallmark Channel so it's considered stress free viewing with a guaranteed happy ending and b) Greg Evigan was a guest star. Now, if you're like me (knocking on 40's door) then you may also hold a special place in your heart for Mr. Evigan. I, for instance, fondly remember slumber parties and private screenings built entirely around the dreamy life of a truck driver and a monkey called "BJ and the Bear". Yup, you heard me. The theme song was equally moving..."BJ McKay and this is my best friend Bear". *sigh*

At the time, I was trapped (aka living) in a profoundly boring desert community. Greg Evigan and John Travolta were my favorite crushes/escapes at the time. Parker Stevenson had been my first love but he mysteriously disappeared from all television shows and therefore had to be replaced in credits of my heart as well. I was 10, give me a break. Today, I proudly stand by my men. Parker, Greg and John are all still hot. In fact, I'm happy to report, Greg is looking especially well.

I had, and continue to have, great taste in men (celebrity men that is). I may not be able to breathe but I can pick 'em.

Color me Hooters

(I wrote this the other day but forgot to post it. Enjoy!)

I went to an offsite meeting with a LWC. We were trying to avoid the crowd we were holed up with all morning but needed lunch. After much contemplation we decided to try Hooters. Yes, Hooters.

Let me paint the picture, LWC and I were both dressed in our better work clothes. We both happen to be a plus sized girls. All of the patrons in Hooters are men. All varieties of men and all surprised to see two women walk in.

With all the confidence in the world LWC steps up to the seating podium and says to Bobby, the host, "Hi! Can I have an application?" WTF?! Bobby (God bless the guy) doesn't miss a beat and says "Sure!" He looks around for one then says "I don't have one up front but I'll have one sent to your table." "Thank God", I'm thinking, that's a nice way to blow us off. We are promptly seated and order our drinks. LWC goes to the bathroom and a Hooters girl quickly arrives, slides an application towards me and says "Here's your application." I shout "It's not for me!!!" Then feel badly because I've probably insulted her. LWC comes back and I hand her the application with a "Here's your DAMN Hooters application!" I was MORTIFIED!! After laughing 'til she cries, LWC asks "Do you think they'd ever really hire a plus sized girl?" To which I respond "NO! And poor Bobby is in the back right now looking up his equal opportunity rules and a lawyer. I'm sure he thinks we're angry lesbians here to sue his ass off!"

And that was my fun day at Hooters. I don't recommend the place by the way. The women are very nice but completely exploited (No! Really?!). I can now judge from first hand experience. Hooters sucks.

New York, NY

Greetings from New York!

My boss and I were walking down the street when a man rammed into her. I mean literally bounced off her and just kept on walking. We both turned around to glance at the guy (mostly out of surprise and disbelief) he looked back and yelled "Fuck you!" Ah, New York. Either they're flattering you or telling you to go fuck yourself.

We had an AMAZING dinner at Philippe. We met the famous Mr. Chow. Holy cow can that guy cook! I don't think I ever knew what Chinese food was supposed to taste like until tonight. I call outrageously yummy food "crack items". Every dish I tasted qualified as a "crack item". I'll crave it all for the rest of my days. (And speaking of NY cravings, have you had the famous Serendipity Frozen Hot Chocolate? I swear it's worth the airfare to New York. They definitely put crack in it.)

It was the first time I had met these clients. They were very fun. When I asked them about some restaurant suggestions around our hotel they gave some great recommendations. When I asked specifically about a good deli, I was told "The deli near you is closed. It's over. You're fucked." Too funny.

Sometimes I like my job.