Wednesday, October 31


The older I get, the more I enjoy Halloween. Lots of people at work dressed up and it was a lot of fun. I was amazed at the creativity and time spent on some of their costumes. One friend dressed as America's Next Dead Model and looked amazing with a makeup brush stabbed through her chest. Another came as Britney Spears and pushed a stroller around with a tattooed doll strapped in backwards. She had empty Red Bull cans and Red Hots littering the baby's seat along with a baby bottle filled with soda. It was great!

After work I went to my brother's family's house. They got lots of trick or treaters and it's fun to sit on the porch and hand out candy. We lavish lots of praise on the little ones and do the wave when the older kids do something really spectacular. This year we gave out full sized candy bars for the really good costumes.

Really, the only trouble is when somebody does it wrong. Some people just don't seem to grasp the basic concept of Halloween. For instance, we don't like the lame teenagers who don't bother to dress up or even say "trick or treat". These kids just walk up and shove their bag under your nose and expect a bunch of candy. The other annoying type is the parent with a 2 month old baby in a stroller who is clearly pimping their child for candy. These types bug us. The other day my brother told me he had a great solution to the lame asses to come. He decided that, in addition to the candy bowl, he would keep a bowl of condiments on hand to pass out to the morons in the crowd. In preparation, I raided the commissary and collected some packets of mayonnaise, relish, mustard and soy sauce for his condiments bowl. We only had to resort to the condiments bowl a couple of times. It was a slow year, we only got 705 trick or treaters (I realize that sounds like a lot, but we've had up to 1,110 visitors in the past... I know!), so we were feeling generous. One girl walked up in sweats and a tee shirt. I handed candy to her friends, wished them a happy Halloween then asked what she was. She hesitated then said "Umm, a housewife?" My brother snatched something out of the loser bowl and said "Mustard for you!" I cracked up.

Later another girl walked up wearing jeans and a tee shirt. When I asked what she was, she pointed to her braided hair and said "An Indian?" *sigh* She got mayo. Another young man walked on to the porch while texting. I said "Oh no, you are not texting and expecting candy are you?" He immediately shoved his phone in his pocket, pulled his mask down and walked like a zombie towards me and ghoulishly said "Trick or Treat!" I said "Now we're talkin'. Stay in character, ok!?" He got candy.

My favorite moment of the evening came when one little boy (maybe 7 years old) walked up to my brother who was holding the candy bowl. My brother started to drop candy into the kid's bag when the kid grabbed a handful of candy from the bowl. I was surprised when my brother, rather kindly, said "Whoa, buddy. I already dropped candy in your bag." and wrestled the candy from his grubby little fist. The kid walked off and my brother slyly looked up at me and said "He got the relish." God, I love my brother. He just cracks me up.

Oh, and in case you're wondering how we know we had 705 trick or treaters, we used one of those palm, clicker, counter thingys. Which brings me to my second favorite moment of the night. My niece had wrapped up her trick or treating and was handing out candy with us. She asked "Daddy, how many kids came tonight?" Meanwhile my brother was carefully doing the robot (that lame "dance"). My niece repeated "Daaad-dy! How many?" He replied "I'll tell you if you do the robot with me." She did. It was great.


kb said...

I love how your brother still amuses me and I don't even have to see him in person to laugh out loud! I LOVE the condiments idea. I'm going to stock up on Taco Lita sauce and try that next year.

lisa said...

What a great idea! I wish I read this before the trick or treaters showed up. I just gave them 1 piece of crap candy while everyone else got fistfuls...