More From Little Miss

So I was "watching" my niece and nephew swim a while ago. I was surprised as anyone when I heard my self say "No running around the pool! You could trip, fall, hit your head and it would be lights out. NO RUNNING!" After several break out running sprees my niece finally stopped, turned to me and the following exchange was shared:

Little Miss: Let's play a game.
Lucy: Hmm? What game? (Mindlessly flipping though a magazine)
LM: Let's pretend you can't talk. (Said with a stunning smile.)
Lucy: Nice try sister. I can talk and I still say NO RUNNING!

Damn good thing she's cute.

Lesson #2

Continued education from TCM:

How to drive a woman crazy and how to recognize her when she gets there.

- If you wear red lipstick you must be nuts and you will pay for it by flying of Himalayan cliff. And when I say cliff I mean "watch out for that CLIFF!" (Black Narcissus)

- If a woman gets mixed up with the wrong kind of man, she'll want to marry him, but can't have him, so she'll go bonkers. (The Best Of Everything) Oh, and if you don't get married by your mid-twenties you'll end up a bitter old bitty married to your job just like Joan Crawford.

- If you make a woman choose between love and love of her work she will go bonkers and twirl off a overlook onto train tracks (The Red Shoes) I hate when that happens!

- If Burt Lancaster is in town you'll forget all about your crazy-ass marriage and learn all about lust. (From Here to Eternity) Which brings me to an interesting sidebar: Did you know that Burt was widely acknowleged as the best kisser in Hollywood? Well there ya go. Give that some thought next time you're watch ol' Burt go.

- Bad news: If you have an overbearing mother you can count on a nervous breakdown. Good news: You might be a babe under those God-awful eye brows. (Now Voyager)

Best quote from these films: "Don't let's ask for the moon, we have the stars." Now Voyager

Best quote from a documentary: "When I first met Bette Davis I had an erection for three days." (Stardust: The Bette Davis Story)

And speaking of Bette Davis, did you know she was a big slut? I mean a world class tramp. She could teach seminars on how to piss off entire states of women. She slept with EVERYONE'S boyfriend and/or husband. Who knew?! Did I mention I enjoy this about her?

I'm looking forward to another long weekend, people. Who knows what lessons are in my future!

Harrumph!!

Is it just me or are you sometimes startled to hear grown up words fly outta your mouth?

Somewhere along the line I grew up and with that came grown up conversations and even (*shudder*) grown up business conversations. Problem is, I'm a long-time-hard-core-sarcastic-goof- ball so it really throws people off when I sound like scary grown up lady.

Example, today I was annoyed with a vendor and actually said things like "...Because it's best for my business!", "I can't go to finance and tell them we're getting rid of the other guys because you don't like competition.", "I don't want to hear it!" and so on. Sheesh! Who is that freak?!
To make matters worse I actually get worked up over this dumb stuff. I did, however, have to smile when my boss, our Coordinator and a friend all walked by my office door, as I was pretending to be mean old grown up lady, and each of them covered their mouths, pointed and laughed at me. It's very challenging to have to keep up an angry conference call tirade when friends are laughing at you. Harrumph!

In other meetings, I knew I was getting out of hand when above mentioned Coordinator fell under the table laughing because of my Tourette's-like questioning. At one point I apparently said "So does this mean (fill in retailer name here) is dead to you or what?!" Where does this crap come from? I do recall stunned silence from the other end of the call. I got a lot of that today.

I often think about how hard my family and friends would laugh if they could see me at work. Then again, I'd probably laugh at them too.

Strange Days

It's overcast, muggy and oh so hot today. Strange day. One might call this "earthquake weather" but I don't happen to believe in that. Late last night while surfing around online and watching The Quiet Man (which I love but wish I had watched before my trip to Ireland) a bizarre wind storm blew through. I thought it was raining but it was just leaves swirling. I went to the back door to stick my head out to see/feel what was going on in the dark and almost lost my grip on the door because the wind was so strong. It was coincidentally just like that famous scene in The Quiet Man except I was standing in my pjs sans a strapping John Wayne type. *sigh*

Funny how the weather can flavor your day. Got in today and bizarro world continued. Several co-workers were out of town together last week on a business trip and drank too much together. Now that's not so strange but it's not ever a good idea. I've learned to cut out early on work related festivities. I get drunk on one cocktail these days so I have to be very careful. I guess I just never cease to be amazed at what happens between folks on biz trips.

In other news, I recently learned the quiet Assistant on our floor moonlights as a dominatrix. She has house boys who do her cooking and cleaning. Trust me when I say this is literally the last person on earth you would pick as the black latex type, but there she is up on MySpace, proud as can be wearing the God damnedest heels you've ever seen. (I'd include the link here but that's just mean.) And by the way this whole house boy thing sounds sort of appealing but would I have to knock them around? Not thrilled with that idea but I like the cooking and cleaning concept.

So there you have it. People are never who you think they are, we're overdue for an earthquake and John Wayne is still dead. How's your day going?

Pop

So, here's the deal: I love my new laptop but because it's a Mac I can't format the way I can from my PC at work. I really shouldn't be blogging from work but that computer gets the fun options...what a bummer.

For instance, I'd like to tell you about my favorite new present for men. I'd like to do a cute link here but the option isn't available on my cute new Mac. Drats! Instead, you'll have to cut and paste to see for yourself:

http://www.rei.com/online/store/ProductDisplay?productId=47997996&storeId=8000&catalogId=40000008000&langId=-1&color=BLACK&img=/media/651373.jpg&view=large

My brother got a pair for Father's Day and they really crack me up. Unfortunately it's one of those "Damn! Why didn't I think of that?" products. I hate when that happens.

Just thought I'd share. They're bound to be all over the place next summer but for the moment my bro is the hippest Dad on the block.

Sorry for the cutting and pasting but until I can figure out how to quick link you'll have to do a little extra work. Sorry!

Lessons

Before I go on I'd like to point out that I did in fact get "out and about" over my long weekend: I had a great time with a friend on Saturday. Had a wonderful Father's Day BBQ with family that included kicking my nephew's ass in Monopoly. (Is it inappropriate to shout "Take that!" to a seven year old? Despite the humiliating defeat, I'm told I'm still the best aunt in the world even though I'm certainly teaching him to be a terrible winner.) I had a nice lunch with Mom, SIL and niece and even did some shopping. I got some sunglasses for Little Miss because I always laugh when I see small children wearing them. I got little ambitious and wandered into the kitchen to try a couple of new recipes that turned out very well. Yum & yea me!

All in all it was a very nice weekend. That being said, (in other words, "I'm not REALLY a shut in) here are some lessons learned over my long weekend with TCM:

- Paul Newman in CAT ON A HOT TIN ROOF was the all time hottest man...ever! And don't even get me started on 'ol blue eyes in THE LONG HOT SUMMER ...rrrrrowww.

- It sucked to be Clara Bow.

- THE THIN MAN rocks my world. (Why didn't I know about this earlier?!)

- Marlene Dietrich was a true patriot to this country and we could really use a broad like her today.

- MRS. MINIVER makes me cry.

- Louise Brooks was a little loco but I enjoy that about her.

- THE 5,000 FINGERS OF DR. T is also loco and I did not enjoy it so much.

- I was right, Damien from THE OMEN has got nothing on Veda from MILDRED PIERCE.


It's back to work tomorrow (bummer) but the time off was nice while it lasted.

The City Mouse

So, I was doing laundry out in the garage yesterday and saw what I thought was a leaf. Upon closer inspection I discovered it was in fact a thoroughly squashed mouse. Gross!!! Dad must have mowed it over while backing in or out of the garage. The poor little guy was flattened just like I used to see in cartoons.

Later, I looked out over the pool and saw the remains of some sort of snail genocide. There were shells laying about and the remains of... well, I just don't know what. I asked Dad if he'd put poison out or something and he said "Nah, an opossum got hold of them last night".

This morning I woke up and noticed some tiny black balls laying under the roses I cut from the garden. They were hard to miss againt the white tile in the bathroom. Again, I asked Dad about them. I thought they might be insect eggs or something. Dad took one look and said "Nah, that's worm shit". Great. "There's something in there. I don't see it but it's there". (...Gross!)

It's nice to have someone to refer to when you just don't know what's going on in the natural world but sometimes I'm so grossed out by the explanation.

The yard smells nice from the flowers but God knows what else is lurking out there. I've had about enough of nature for one weekend.

What??

I just watched KISS ME DEADLY and all I have to say is... "What the hell?". Granted, I wasn't paying close attention but still... Ummm... Maybe the moral of the story is if we don't stop this silly arms race we're all screwed? Good thing that's not a problem anymo... oooooohhhh...yeah. Well, umm, anyway, it was an intriguing film that I'll have to watch again some time.

Oh yeah, and Cloris Leachman looked nothing like herself but I'm happy to report I'd know that voice anywhere ("Oh, Rhoda!"). That's pretty much where the fun ended for me.

I'm now in serious need of some show tunes, STAT! Thank God (and Tivo) I recorded KISMET. I just love that strapping Robert Keel. He's just the ticket to help me forget all about the end of the days.

Mortified

Went to King King to see Mortified last night. I loved it! Marcia, reading from the journal she wrote as a 14-year-old at sleep way camp, was our favorite. If you have a chance to see this some time you really should make the effort. It's very funny stuff.

The creator of Found Magazine was there reading some of his finds before the show. His segment was good as well. Check out the site and beware...It's addictive.

She's got Peter Lorre Eyes

So I watched The Maltese Falcon last night and really liked it. Shandon was right, it's very funny.

Unfortunately, I was distracted because I happen to know a little family anecdote: When I was born the first thing my Mom said was my name then, when the magic of the moment had faded, she commented that I looked an awful lot like Peter Lorre. The nurses didn't find it funny and threatened to take me away. Mom stopped commenting on it but never stopped giggling and thinking it. I never saw the resemblance until last night. I told Mom that she might have been right. She said "I know! It was all that black hair you had. You looked exactly like him." Well, I don't know if "exactly" is accurate but there are similarities. I like to think I at least looked like a young Peter Lorre not the older man. I also like to think I've outgrown this unfortunate phase.

In defense of Pops

I asked Dad about his environmentally framed way of life and why he still chooses to drive an SUV (the fatal flaw as it's now known).

So here's the deal: He has a unique mix of professional experience and has enjoyed a great post-rat-race career as a consultant. He goes to all sorts of places the average person just drives right by. He is hired to make sure land that it being developed doesn't have any endangered animal or plant habitat that could suffer from said development. He either informs developers how to move forward without damaging the site or tells them they can't move forward according the state laws and codes. Needless to say this can really piss folks off but laws are laws and he's just there to assess the situation. People have actually tried to buy him off but he won't budge.

He's actually quite the environmental hero except for that damned SUV. So why does he drive it? Well, turns out the places he has to survey are well beyond the beaten path and require a high clearance vehicle (or maybe a horse and those are hard to maneuver on side streets and freeways). He drives deep into the sites then hikes much of the way (who knew?!). Apparently one road he has to drive has an abandoned Jeep laying in his path. He'd love a Prius, or even better an all electric car, but they are incapable of taking him where he needs to go.

So there you have it, the irony of being an environmentalist (or Naturalist as Dad prefers), you need transportation up to a point to get near the really sensitive locales. What's a guy to do? I think in the long run Daddio is doing much more than the rest of us to improve things. I mean honestly, how many people do you know who spend their days hiking around California reporting on and protecting her habitats? Probably not many. I happen to know a few 'cause they're in Dad's circle of friends. They tend to be very nice people who, I'm happy to report, car pool whenever possible. Yea Dad!

My new boyfriend TCM

Tivo and TCM, a perfect match! I was out and about much of Saturday and even took the niece and nephew to see Cars (they gave it a thumbs up by the way). Over the weekend I watched a bunch of recorded movies and even caught the Mexico vs. Iran World Cup game. It's sorta fun when it's such a big deal. Well, err, not such a big deal around here but it's the biggest deal everywhere else.

Anyway, I watched Sunset Boulevard, Meet Me In St. Louis, Railroaded!, Random Harvest and Tension throughout the weekend. It was great! How did I fit so many movies in? Well, I didn't sleep much. Tivo and my cute new laptop are taking up a lot of my sleep time. It's been a problem ever since Mermorial Day weekend. I've been up 'til about 1:00 on week nights and 3:00 over the weekend. What's wrong with me?! It's not like I'm sleeping in much either. I'm still getting up around 7:00. Who do I think I am? Do you think this is a result of being almost 40? A younger friend of mine was teasing me and said "Old people don't sleep as much. My Mom is always up!" What a punk!

Between the cross stitch obsession and all the classic film viewing I'm turning into a real spinster. But get this, I'm a spinster with blood pressure of 110/70. Take that!! (I just learned this this morning.) Oh dear, that may have made it worse. Don't most old folks spend time talking about their health? Ok, I'll stop now.

Next up on the viewing schedule: The Maltese Falcon and The Night of the Iguana. I'll let you know how it goes.

Beware the stink eye

I'm a letter-writer. That is, when I have a grievance I can compose a complaint letter/email in about 10 seconds flat. It's been a mostly profitable habit. I typically don't ask for anything but I get coupons and samples none the less. My crowning achievement was getting a $700 check from Honda when I wrote them about a well documented, persistent problem.

Today's recipient of my written wrath is the Democratic Party. Now, I am a pretty hard core liberal so why would I be picking on them you may ask? Well, they're officially stalking me. I hear from them daily by phone, mail and email. When I tried to unsubscribe from their annoying and frequent missives they wanted to know WHY I wanted to ditch them. I was then informed I'd need a soon-to-be-emailed code to unsubscribe. A CODE?! Are they kidding?! I've had an easier time of breaking up with boyfriends! Naturally, I wrote an email outlining my aggravation. I also told them they wouldn't get a hint of a contribution until they dropped me from all of their contact lists. "Believe it or not I've heard of you. I know who you are. I know how to reach you. I'll give a contribution when I'm good ready, until then back off!" I may have referred to the unsubscribe code as "your BULLSHIT code" but I'm not sure. I also told them if they were "this aggressive in getting folks into office we'd be much better off. Instead, you apparently choose to spend all of your time stalking me!"

Brace yourself for the scream heard 'round the world when I get my next email.

Sheesh!

Oh, oh, oh!!!

Now that I'm thinking fo Karma I thought I'd share this fun tool. It takes about 10 minutes to complete. Be honest and enjoy the results.

We had a blast with this about a year ago here at work.

Let me know what you turn out to be. You may be surprised.

If you don't find what you're looking for, always remember, there's something out there for everyone!

What to do?

I went to the gas station after work. There was a ridiculous line but I waited behind a car and got to the pump in about 5 minutes. I saw a lady in a minivan drove around and appeared to be heading for the driveway to exit. Just then a motorcycle pulled into the one empty pump. Apparently, minivan lady wasn't exiting, she was actually backing up to the free pump. She said something about it to motorcycle guy and he completely flipped out! He started shouting "How was I supposed to know BITCH! I thought you were leaving BITCH! Stupid BITCH!! Like you've never taken someone else's spot before you stupid BITCH!!!" I just shook my head and noticed most others at the station doing the same thing.

I normally would have said something but the guy clearly had anger management issues and appeared to be unstable. He was short and thin and wearing a helmet and a leather biking ensemble. I guess it's easy to be a weasely tough guy when nobody can identify you. What an asshole. I hated that I didn't say anything but mostly I wished all of us shaking our heads had surrounded and intimidated him a bit. I believe in karma so I know he won't just get away with being an asshole forever but it would have been nice if we had taken the upper hand and scared the hell out of the guy.

This is also when I realize what jerks Southern Californians can be. This stuff just doesn't happen in other parts of the country. In fact, I normally avoid all human contact while near work or "over the hill". Even a 20 minute drive away from work, people become more civil. I'm not saying this wouldn't happen in my neighborhood but it's far less likely. Los Angeles and all of it's show off-y suburbs breed assholes. It's really a shame but there you have it.

It's the little things

Our new VP has arrived from the German office. He's a very nice man but we've all had trouble reading him. I've finally decided he's breath of fresh air around here. He is impervious to all office drama and politics and is only interested in what's best for the business. Now, this may sound obvious but you'd be amazed at how often the drama clouds judgment around here. I really don't think I've worked with anyone quiet like him. I'm certain he thinks we're all crazy. I tend to agree.

Because of his impervious nature I've been trying to "crack" him for three weeks now. I finally succeeded today in a staff meeting. New VP asked nervous Director a question and nervous Director started rummaging through papers in search of the answer. Finally I said "Oh for God's sake just make something up." New VP took a sip of soda as I said this then promptly blew Diet Coke out of his nose.

I've never been more proud.

The trouble with Noir

I rarely just plop down and give a film my undivided attention unless I'm in a theater. I tend to flip through magazines, (now) cross stitch, pay bills and so on while "watching" a movie at home. The problem with Noir is that it must be truly watched to be properly enjoyed. Upon Norman's recommendation I watched T-Men. I was doing a combination of the above mentioned activities throughout and I missed some great stuff. I caught a great death-by-sauna scene and some cool camera angles but I missed more than I should have. I've decided Noir films should be viewed three times to be appreciated: once as you would normally watch it, once with just the video and once with just the audio. The scripts are deliciously over the top and visually, well there's nothing like them, the three viewing method seems the best way to really get it. The problem is who's got that kind of time? I guess, as always, there are just too many films and too little time.

Here is my favorite line from T-Men:

"Have you ever spent ten nights in a turkish bath waiting for a man?"

The slut of all time

I watched Butterfield 8 last night. I hadn't seen it before but knew Elizabeth Taylor won an Oscar for the performance. Before the film, Robert Osgoode mentioned that Ms. Taylor hated the script but did it to wrap up her contract with MGM so she could go make Cleopatra. When she first screened B8 she is said to have thrown a drink at the screen in disgust (God, just once I'd like to dramatically throw a drink against the wall...) Ms. Taylor thought B8 was "trampy" and cheap ... that may be but it's great stuff!! Her then current husband, Eddie Fisher, is in B8 but we all know what happened to Eddie after Liz met Richard Burton on the set of Cleo.

Here are my favorite lines from Butterfield 8:

A not so considerate husband says to his wife: "On the surface she was all sex and devil may care." (Umm, buddy, you better shut up now.)

...and then possibly the best line of all:
"I'm going out looking for my pride alone, when I find it, if you're still here, I'll come back and we'll see if it still has any value for either of us." SO GREAT!

IMBD calls out another classic: "Mama, face it: I was the slut of all time!" I tried saying this to Mom this morning and she pretended to slap me just like in the film. Once again...ya gotta love Mom.

If you haven't seen B8, check it out. It's not my favorite but Liz looks great and the era IS one of my faves.

Some other great recommendations are on Abnorman's blog.

Enjoy!

A pretty good Sunday

Here is a pic of my second cross stitching project. I thought I started it 10 years ago but I've now figured that it's actually been closer to 15 years. I have no idea why I stopped. It's not such a bad effort, but the floor seems a bit crooked. I blame all that snow. Some jackass must have tracked snow in and warped the floors or something.

I finished it while the watching the kids swim all day. Err, well, I didn't exactly watch them, it's more like I listened to them splash around and shriek. At one point I was trying to get them to pipe down. They hate bugs and were freaking out over a dead bee in the pool. I told them bugs (especially bees) were attracted to loud noises. (Oh come on, you'd have done the same thing if you'd thought of it.) That kept them quiet for a few minutes. Then my niece suggested we play a game where I pretend I've lost my voice. Nice try kid.

This weekend, I've been reading "The Cross Stitcher's Bible" and discovered I've been doing everything wrong. Who knew there was so much technique involved? Ultimately, I decided the book should be titled "The Anal Retentive Cross Stitcher's Bible". I'll try to put some of their advice into practice but sheesh, I can't get too uptight right?

I enjoy it, that's supposed to be all that matters.

Here is a copy of what I'd like to do next. My sister-in-law really likes it so I'll be giving it to her. I think it will look good with an antique red thread on tea stained linen. (God, do I sound like a granny or what?)

I'd like a side of crack with that

I've apparently chosen to take up the most un-hip craft out there. Yes, crafts can be ranked by cool factor. I can confidently report that knitting is currently king. Scrapbooking, beading, quilting and sewing are acceptable crafts but cross stitch is beyond lame if today is any indication.

I decided to fit in a couple of needle work shops between errands today. I walked into the first shop and immediately got a great feeling. About 20 women were sitting at two large tables knitting and doing needle point while loudly jabbering away. At first glance the shop was cute and had lots of great things so I was encouraged. After looking around for a while I couldn't find any cross stitch patterns or supplies. When I asked a clerk for the cross stitching section she disdainfully replied "OH... we don't carry any cross stitch." I am not exaggerating when I tell you she couldn't have looked more disgusted if I'd asked for a penis pattern or heroin. Talk about a buzz kill.

The next stop was a nightmare because I chose the one weekend in the year that main street shuts down for an annoying arts and crafts fair. Oh, and did I mention it was about 95 degrees outside? Well, I parked several blocks away but only had enough change for 35 minutes on the meter. I knew I needed more time but figured I'd stop in for a few minutes and come back some other time. This store had a good amount of cross stitching supplies but when I asked a few questions I was told the owner only had a few "hard core stitchers" and that she stopped stocking lots of items because "it's just not that popular". Oy! I thought I'd left the days of feeling like a dorky loser behind in early childhood. These craft divas are brutal!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not letting the snooty girls get me down. I now plan to scour the web and swap meets for as much cross stitch info as possible. If you see anything out there please let me know. Oh, and whatever you do, don't mention cross stitch in a crafts store.

Touche!

I saw AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH last night and really liked it. After the screening I commented that it made me appreciate my dad more. He's been planting native trees, recycling, miserly with air conditioning and heating, car pooling and so on for as long as I can remember.

Following, is the conversation I repeated to my mom (who is still laughing) after the screening:

Lucy: My dad has been banging that (environmental) drum since I was a kid.
Shandon: What does he drive?
Lucy: Uhh, an SUV.
Norman: ...bang the drum softly.

Touche!

Mama said, Mama said...

When I think of my mom, I usually think of us laughing 'til we cry. My mom is a Special Ed teacher and has spent most of her life being patient, caring and a favorite teacher. When she comes home in the evening she and I often unwind by making incredibly inappropriate and sarcastic remarks at whomever has the misfortune of being on tv.

I realize these are usually you-had-to-be-there moments but here are a few zingers we let fly last night during the Scripps Spelling Bee (most are directed at the poor, little, over-stressed participants):

• "Not so cocky now are you smarty-pants?!"
• "...and representing Future Shut-ins of America..."
• "SURE, home schooled kids aren't' weird!"
• "I'll give the judge $1000 if he can spell that kids name."
• "Media whore!"
• "Oh good, Mr. Personality is back."
• "Somebody shut that kid up!" (Said about the baby that shrieked throughout the competition.)
• "Wow. German words are a bitch."

At one point the television suddenly shut off. We still have no idea what happened and it immediately turned back on but first the tv made a rather loud pop and just went black. My mom is easily startled so this put her over the edge. (We've agreed that she'd be a terrible pioneer and even worse in a fox hole.) The moment it happened, she gasped, "clutched the pearls" (as my dad has dubbed her favorite motion) and slumped back in her chair. She wasn't kidding. It really scared the hell outta her and this is how a drama queen behaves. A drama queens daughter reacts by yelling "Mom's been hit!" , "Grandma down!" and "Don't go into the light!" My poor dad happened to be walking by for this scene. He's used to this and was not alarmed. He's stopped asking what we're doing a long time ago because we're usually laughing too hard to speak.

So there you have a little slice of Life with Mama. I'd love to write more about dear old Mom but she'd kill me if I took her comments completely out of context and reprinted them here. I'll have to control myself. Or maybe I'll just start taking credit for them.

Anyway, have a great weekend everyone!

Where was the OED when I needed it?

If you've never watched the Scripps National Spelling Bee you're really missing some oddly compelling television. It's not something I see coming each year, but once I've found it on ESPN (which I always seem to do) I'm hooked. I know the Spelling Bee has become more popular in recent years with movies, books and musicals popping up all around it but it's well deserved attention. Now, finally, it's made primetime, major network status! Tune in tonight and marvel at these kids in action.

Please be warned: you may end up feeling like an ignoramus, an acknowledgement I try hard to avoid. I comfort myself in knowing I could take on any of these runts in a bar fight. Yea me!

The following might have improved my status as a fool:

• Help
• Mack Daddy of all books (Wait! It's only $248? I'm gettin' it!!!)